I Wanna Love the Way I Do.

I wanna sing.

      I wanna be happy.

       I wanna dance.

I wanna be happy.

I wanna draw.

I wanna be happy.

I wanna write.

I wanna be happy.

I wanna play.

I wanna be happy.

I wanna talk.

I wanna be happy.

I will pray.

I will be happy.

I'm sitting here thinking about all that I would like to do with my life.  I know it's not too late to do any or all of what I want to do or too late to be who I want to become. I have had many stumbling blocks; physical, psychological and spiritual but I persevere. I have to.  I have had some wonderful people come into my life and some of them have either departed this life or just departed my life but I have learned something from them all. I have learned that I am a talented young woman and that the way I love people means something to me. Even if my love is not reciprocated or at least accepted, I can move forward knowing that I have an extraordinary capacity to love people.  I hesitated to pour my heart into people but all I can say now is you get the love back that you put in. Even if the people you pour your love into don't return it, there is always someone waiting to give you back interest on your return. 

 

   

Last year, I let go of a few people who were friends. I didn't want to but I guess some things we have little control over. Now I have so many wonderful people in my life that I never expected but have become great friends. They let me laugh and cry (at Denny's over breakfast!!!! lol wink!). They let me pout and sulk. They let me talk and be quiet and most of all they know my love and comfort me when I'm hurt.  You know when you love people without hesitation or caution you seem more susceptible to being hurt and since I don't want to love less I know I will be hurt. These friends help me deal with the anticipation of hurt but encourage me to not dwell and be a better version of myself.

God knows what and who I need. I'm glad He never runs out of resources!

Hitting My Literary Stride

I love writing. Anyone who has ever received a note, letter, commentary or any written correspondence from me knows my love for formulating thoughts and ideas via written words. It's pretty darn awesome, I must say. I am finally sitting down to the several novels I started a while ago and embracing them again.

One of the books I'm writing is very emotional for me and the crazy thing about it is that I'm picking up, emotionally, from where I left off a couple of years ago. What I mean by that is when I was writing the book before, there were parts that, literally, made me cry as I was writing and when I was looking over my pages yesterday, I found myself being touched by the words on the page. It was surreal; as if I didn't write the words myself. I hope that, when I finish writing this first book, everyone who reads it will feel similarly about it as I do. I have 3 works in progress. I would like to complete at least 2 before the end of the year but I'm pushing for all 3 and some of the short stories and short film projects I'd like to complete. I feel good about writing at this point in my life.

The first book was originally going to be about the women in my family (mom's side of the family) and their likenesses and differences as women, wives, mothers and their relationships with one another but I turned more towards my life for some insight into the thoughts of my main character. This book isn't about me but the main character has a heart similar to mine so I can write for her with no problem. It is still a family story kind of book but has a wonderful story.

My second book is about the love affair between a woman and a young man, not quite 18 years old, and how this relationship affected the life and the relationships this woman had with family and friends and the toll it took on her career. How much is she willing to sacrifice for what some called a "stupid decision" and what she called "unstoppable desire"? We'll see.

The third book is more personal to me. This one is more truth than fiction but I won't say which is fact or fiction right now. lol. You'll have to read it to know. I like this book, especially because while writing it, I'm learning more about myself as a person, a lover, a friend, a sister and a daughter.  This is about finding, loving, losing, longing and letting go of the love of my life.  It'll be sad, of course, but I think it's so much in the book that is good, fun and enlightening to people on how to love yourself enough to not hate someone who has hurt you.  For me, it's a healing experience so I can't wait to finish it. This is the book that 40 years from now, my family will read and they will be able to connect with Tru, the person and not just Tru, the writer.

I'll keep ya posted on my progress. Gonna go home now and do some writing. Until next time, loved ones...
~Stay TRU

Rabble Rabble Rabble!

I'm drained. I'm exhausted. I'm hungry and I wanna go home.

Hey! I think I'll do just that! Until next time loved one...

Stay TRU

With Regards

I'm getting back into my song writing and poetry. I'm shaking off feelings so the next few days may appear to have sadness in it but I'm an artist and you all know we suffer for our craft. lol But this is just what I've written about that moment when you realize you've wasted to much time being sad and it's simply time to proceed with life. Hope you like it.

Dear You,

This is the last I put pen to pad;
writing about what we once had
and how it all turned out so bad.

Dear You,
I've been shaken up; emotions stirred
now I take this time to give my final word to you

I don't blame you, nor I, for giving love a try
but it seems the whole time the truth was denied

about how you really felt and what you thought I wanted.
you told me anything so you wouldn't be confronted
about how you said one thing but you showed me another
and you neglected to say I was not your only lover

and now, with regards to you
I'm letting go
the process was slow
but here I am now with regards to you
I still cry but the tears don't stay
I just wipe them away
and move on.

In regards to my heart,
I look for a brand new start
now that we are apart
I know it's a good thing.
Lost love may sting and again will come Spring

and I will be okay.

With regards,

Me

Feeling Pretty Okay Because I'm Under a New Authority

I have had a pretty cool week, so far. At the moment I'm listening to the new Mary Mary CD, Something Big, and it's soooooo encouraging.  It speaks to the confidence one should have in who they are, who they are designed to be and accepting the gifts God has given them with the assurance that He will provide them with all they require to fulfil their destiny, in Jesus' Name!

Have you ever admitted to having a spirit of fear? Maybe you have but the next question is "Have you embraced that spirit of fear or have you decided to conquer it?"

I was in Bible study last night and we began a series of The Fear Factor: Conquering Fear, Releasing Faith, Discovering Divine Freedom.  In short, the fear spoken of was not a natural reaction of surprise of nervousness to dogs or spiders or many of the phobias that humans may suffer from. We discussed the spirit of fear. Just as you can live your life under the authority of the Holy Spirit, you can live your life under the authority of the spirit of fear.

We touched on the idea of fearing God and it was explained by Pastor Tanya (Crossover Church, Hyattsville, MD) that the fear of God is not meant to be scared of God but to stand in awe of him; a reverential fear.

We discussed that a "factor" is not the whole of anything but a part so one of the factors that could be prohibiting your predestined growth is fear.

II Timothy 1:1-7 is Paul speaking to Timothy in an encouraging manor, not rebuking him, to let him know that he's done so much and to stay encouraged and not to allow a spirit of fear to overtake him.

Pastor Tanya (great teacher) used two examples of words used for "Spirit".

Kardia - refers to the center of all spiritual life and addresses the heart of a person (passions, desires, emotions)
and
Pneuma - the breath/Life of God (Reference Scripture John 14:16 & 17)

When Paul told Timothy God hasn't given you a spirit of fear he was not referring to the Kardia. As explained by our teacher, Paul referred to pneuma. Just as Pneuma (big "P") is breath of God/The Holy Spirit, pneuma (little "p") refers to the breath or spirit of another. Think about it this way, when we worship God we use the big "G" but when we refer to people who worship idol or other gods when use "g". Same principle with pneuma. God has not given you the pneuma. He gave us Pneuma!

Depending on which term you operate under will determine your source of living.  Do you operate under the authority of the Holy Spirit (Pneuma) or the spirit of fear (pneuma)? Which ever spirit you operate under is the controlling spirit in your life. if it's the Holy Spirit you operate under the Power, Love and Self Discipline. If you operate under the spirit of fear that's what you get. FEAR; constant doubt, uncertainty, fear or failing, fear of succeeding, fear of not looking right, fear of not being qualified, fear of not being good enough, fear of no one loving you...the list goes on.

I admonish all my friends and even someone who reads this and doesn't know me, let this be the day we start conquering fear and living under God's breath of life. We can be who God designed us to be. I admit to allowing the spirit of fear to control my life.

Ha...not anymore!

I want God's Fresh Breath....not that stinky breath of fear. lol. Stay TRU Loved ones!

Are you the cause of someone's heartbreak?

I haven't blogged in a while or not as frequently as I like to but I felt compelled to express myself today.  I speak of love and have shared my stories (not full disclosure but enough) of heartbreak and heartache and through all of that I have tried to be honest with myself about my roll in my heartbreak. When your heart gets broken, whether from a break up, inability to reach the one you love or timing, you try to see where you went wrong. Not that you really did anything wrong in particular but I guess you try to see where you should have noticed a change or picked up on the other persons language (verbal and body) or just trusted your instincts that something is wrong.

I have spent much time, during all my heartbreaks, trying to crack the code for when to know a relationship (be it friendship or romantic) is winding down to it's final moments.  Not many people can feel it coming. I always do. This is not to say I'm breaking up with someone every other week but I have had important relationships end and I was broken. I still hold love for these people but I know you have to love people from a far sometimes and as hurt and mad as I may have been, ya know, with each day...it does get better.  Once you may think you'll never laugh again and guess what...one day you can't stop laughing.  Once you may think that person was the only one for you then you look up one day and you're raising an eyebrow at an attractive person and after a while...looky here, you're loving someone new.  I guess for me the challenge I discuss with my friends is what lessons are learned from these experiences. 

In the middle of heartbreak, the most rational person sounds crazy to you and the craziest ideas and thoughts seem to make sense.  Love can truly knock you down.  For those who have created a life of habit in breaking other's hearts, I beseech you, please find what you want before it's too late. Have some compassion for the feelings of those who love you. Don't just hurt because you feel you can get away with it. Search inside and find that thing or person that causes you to truly love and respect the same in others. One mistake many of us make is allowing a person to cause us to distort our own vision of love and relationships. Don't allow other's inconsideration to be what determines your happiness in the future. Mourn the loss but afterwards, celebrate new beginnings.

I have been through it (heartbreak) enough to know that I can get through it and I tell others, you will get to the other side. We all will if we trust that God will guide us there.

As much as I know heartache, one of the worse feelings is to feel that you may be a part of someone else's heartache. Each night I pray that God give me clarity in my steps even when the world doesn't understand why I make the decisions I make, if i feel God has not left my side then I trust he will catch me if I fall and correct me when I'm wrong. Honestly, I don't know too many people who really think about what they do. They find someone to blame or place fault with others but the truth starts with how honest we all are with ourselves. I am not surprised by people anymore but when I start becoming surprised at myself, it's time to re-evaluate my path. 

To all my friends and those who read this that I may not know, I pray for comfort for your heart. I pray for healing for your soul. I pray for sunshine after your rain. I pray for the next time you smile again. this song has touched me and I hope it touch you also.  May God be with you all.

"I Smile" - Kirk Franklin

http://youtu.be/6OKXpAtX32M

Ladies Love Day!

This is not an official holiday, no, but maybe it should be.  I'm not going to complain here (though it will appear that I am. haha) but every time I turn around I hear a woman speaking negatively about another woman and without cause. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. We have allowed ourselves to has such self doubt that we doubt each other. If I'm sure of myself, I don't feel the need to look at another woman with suspicion but the problem is that this is the world we live in. smh...I think I'm going to set up a day of events for some friends where we hang out, do something fun, have time to talk about life "stuffs" and find great ways to encourage one another instead of finding fault with each other. Being a woman is tough. We should make it tougher for each other.

Yep, Ladies Love Day. I like that.