"World Quake"

I feel the breath pushing against my lungs trying to find a way out.
It doesn't seek to sustain me but escape; never to return.
Inside there is that undeniable sensation of confusion and hurt that feels like the shock of someone shooting both ice and boiling water into your soul; never the two shall merge.
The artificer stands and waits for the merchant to see his creation and marvel at it;
just as we want others to inhale every aspect of our goodness but in a moment it all goes away.
Like the child's imaginary friend at the point of maturity; the child, both, remembers and forgets.
Can there be calm in panic?
Can there be a dramatic peace?
Can there be a loving hate?
Can there be broken wholeness?
Can you see a bright shadow that cries in whispers?
As a lone tear falls and hits the ground, the world shakes

It carves my name into the earth; never to be removed and never to be seen



Written by:

Tru Essence,
Copyright 2010, T. L. Aldridge

I wrote a song today. It wasn't a club banger or a romantic (wanna kiss your face forever) love song. It was simply a song about love and loving you enough to wish you well, no matter where we end up in this life. It wasn't a long song. It wasn't a loud song. Wasn't even the best thing I'd ever written but it's mine and in the stillness of the simple melody, I felt nice. I cannot call it happiness or overjoyed or sad or melancholy. I felt nice. It's the feeling when it's 75 degrees and there is a breeze and you sit on a park bench and observe your surroundings as you sip on a bottle of water. I felt nice. No hurry. No anxiety. No longing to be here or there. No longing to be with anyone in particular. Just nice. This melody may only be just for me. I haven't decided but I like having it. In fact, I love having. It's a new song. Maybe I'll write a little nice new songs each day. Maybe that's what I need to ensure that tomorrow my heart and head have something to look forward to. Can't wait for the next little nice composition to spring forth.

~Stay TRU

Are you an island?

Man, oh man. Life is interesting. A few weeks ago I was all, "boo hoo hoo. Why is life so hard?" and now I'm all, "I can't wait to see what's in store. MAKE IT GOOD LORD!!! PLEASE!" I would love to meet the person who is self contained and doesn't need others or the rest of the world because maybe they can show me a thing or two. As for me I am acknowledging that I need people. Hezekiah Walker said it best in his song "I Need You To Survive". I saw that title today and I just started thinking that anyone who considers themselves "self contained" or without the need of others are only fooling themselves. Yes, while it is true that others cannot define your worth or control how you feel about yourself, it is something about being with others that helps you sustain. Whether emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually; these people keep you going. They keep you motivated, encouraged and just charged about being here on this planet.

If you have ever met me in person you may have probably heard me say at one time or another, "Oh GOD, I hate people!" Let me just clarify that statement. I don't hate people. Parish the thought. I just can't stand stupid people but even they, sometimes, bring me a chuckle or two. Folks, although people say that "no man is an island", the truth is we kinda are like islands Not in the sense that we are alone but consider this perspective  for a moment. An island is not formed simply because it wants to be. There are several elements or components that contribute to the forming of these islands be they under water volcanoes or sinking land masses. 

I never knew exactly what that phrase meant until I attempted to be an island. Our perception of an island is one of loneliness and desolation and abandonment but we have to start viewing things differently. Even an island need various elements to sustain itself. It needs the animals that inhabit the island to help nourish it and bring new life from the ocean or far off lands. Even a spider from a far off land can be swept to a deserted island to start new life. The birds, vegetation, amphibious creatures; they all contribute to the sustainability of an island and we think just because there aren't any humans there that the island is lonely in and of itself. Well my friends, it isn't and we shouldn't be either. It truly takes others to sustain us. Be it encouragement, prayer, conversations, chastisement or any other component that helps elevate us; we all need other people. You need to hear "Everything will be alright." or "You were awesome!" or even "You're an idiot. Don't do that again." We may not need hundreds of people talking in our ears but if you happen to be what is considered an island, finds some new inhabitants who are worthy of your wonderful landscape, mysteries and beauty that you have to offer. I guess I can say that I am an island and I will continue to flourish because I need YOU to survive.

Stay TRU Loved Ones!!!

BTW- Okay, all this may have been a mixture of my thoughts about people and watching the discovery Channel's "Wild Pacific" last week.  lol...

WHOA NELLY!!!!

DC was hit with a fast and furious storm today. Some thought it was tornadoes while others described it as hurricane force winds. All I know is I had to run out the house to grab my clothes off the line and it looked treacherous. The clouds came so fast and the winds were so strong. I hope none of my  underwear are in anyone else's yard. lol.

My prayers and heart does go out to the two people who died in this weather today. It's hard to deal with but you just never ever know what's going to happen. I look at today as an example of my life in general. No matter how good things look, there may be a storm headed your way and when it hits you aren't quite sure what to do but you know you have to react. You don't know how long it'll be but  you pray so that you make it past the storm. my heart was beating faster when I went outside because I thought, "what if we're out here and a tornado comes from the other side of the trees?" Only God knows what the storms in your life will bring and all we can do is try to be prepared and weather the storms. After the storm, the sun started to shine and it almost appeared as if there was no storm but it left behind evidence of its existence. Trees down, power lines down, thousands of people without power and a few deaths from trees falling on a car and one on a little boy walking to a pool to swim with his family.

The last few weeks have been a storm for me but I'm here. The evidence of the storm is a broken heart, hurt feelings and confusion but I'm thankful because my power hasn't gone out and I wasn't killed by falling trees. I may have been, figuratively, hit by a one but I'm here. I'm still here to see another day and find another love. Dare I say that I'm excited about my future? I dare.  I'm ready. One moment I feel like if I could just reach back in time to change things the now could be different but I'm seeing things now that I couldn't see because I wanted so much for things to be different. I'm not the same woman and I'm okay with that. I'll never be the same and I think I'm okay with that also. I'm recovering from my sadness much faster now. I'm happy about that. We all have to live life the way we feel will best compliment us and the things we want to accomplish and it doesn't matter if someone else feels they are perfect for you. What matters is that you work to find what (and who) you want. I have absolutely not idea what the future will hold for me but I'm going to live. I wish everyone the best in finding the things and people who will help you be all that you desire to be.

OMG! OMG! OOOOOH....EMMMMM. GEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! HELL ON EARTH!

Heard a joke the other day. Wanna hear it? Here it goes:

Hey fam! it's so hot outside,

HOW HOT IS IT?

THE DEVIL WENT HOME TO COOL OFF!

(badum bump)

LOL...okay. Fam, this heat is CAAAARAAAAAAAZY!  I made plans to be out all day today but I have a fear that if I leave the house, my shoes will melt and my feet will fuse with the ground; leaving me to be stuck in one spot to bake and burn and shrivel up like a peace of meat in a frying pan. Sports fans, THAT is not my idea of a good time.  You know how hazy it gets outside when it's hot? How the hell is it going to be that hot that the atmopsphere inside has the same effect? SHEESH!!!  My goodness!  Well I just had my morning popsickle. lol. Another one awaits. I think I'm going to make some icesickles. just put water in my popsickle container and suck on those later. Heck, anything would help.

My concern is the people who cannot come in from the heat. I really hope they can get to one of the cooling centers in and around DC. It's suppose to feel almost 110 degrees today in DC. I guess that's what's hot in the streets right not. That's what's hood?  Well, it's about 10:15am now and it's already about 95 degrees. Have mercy on me Lord. I'm going to get me some water and start my journey. If I never made it back, tell my babies I love them. That would be my camera, my music, my journals...you know. the regular.

Other than the heat, WHICH IS QUITE DREADFUL, I am okay today. Had a few bumps but I'm back. Loving life. I was working on my new schedule. I'm positioning myself so I can do more photography work to help towards my "TARA'S GETTING OUT OF DODGE" fund. That includes a car and an apartment that may or may not be in DC. I have a gig on August 4th for some head shots. I think I do pretty well with head shots so this shouldn't be too bad. I'll be back in the gym on Monday. YAY! 6:30 am Sharp! Oh man! That reminds me. Gotta go get a gym bag and some other gymie things. lol. LATER TATERS!!!!

Good Night

I guess my feelings are unstable right now. I was fine today but there was something hanging over me. Something deep inside of me wanting to scream but I can't because those desperate screams will fall on deaf ears. I know these kinds of feelings, at this point, will come and go. Joy, laughter and happiness will continue to surface but what I'm feeling now feels so bad. I'm not really crying but it feels like I'm on the threshold of crying and if I actually cross it, it will not turn out well so I have to try and pull myself out of it. I'm very tired and I'm going to bed soon. I think I'm mentally exhausted from all the planning I've been doing  the last few days. It's like the more I try to occupy my time and thoughts so I won't think about how I really feel, the more my heart sinks inside. I just need time.

It's been almost two weeks I since Jason broke up with me and I was much better this week but I miss him today and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Funny thing is I have been better and trying not to think of him but it's not easy when your head and heart are at war. One wants the other to let go and the other is trying but it's hard.  I had it planned in my mind, all the things I would say to him; all encouraging; all loving and all wishing him well but I don't think I can even do that at this point in time. There's no going back. There's no point of return. All the rules of the game, we designed together, have changed and I won't clutch the old instructions to my chest like a dying woman's last grasp of a favorite childhood trinket. I opened my hands and it has been released but the one little part that is too stubborn to realize its own freedom stands near enough for me to feel it and take notice, if only for a little while. There is no anger in my heart for him. I want to make him believe one thing but he has already convinced himself of another. I'm sure his friends tell him he's made a good decision if he feels that way the same way my friends say it's good this happened now and that I deserve better. Maybe we were what each other deserved or maybe we should have never reconnected. Not sure how I feel about that now so I'm going to bid  you all a good night.

Okay, Okay, Okay!

Well, for the past week I've been writing sappy love stuff about breaking up and not understanding it and I'll be okay. Well, I'm okay so now I'm shifting my view to see my short and long term goals and dang it, I'm sticking to them. This week has been an interesting one because I have seen so many things that I need to do for myself so that I can be as happy as I can. Granted I'm a happy person and yes, I am a firm believer that some things, if they are on your goal list, can make you happy. that is if you're a happy person anyway. So here's my 2010-2011 list.

• FOCUS ON MY HEALTH - I can't do any of these things unless I'm healthy enough to do them so my main focus has been my health and losing weight. If I stay motivated and stay on this course I'll meet my goals within a year. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!

• GET BACK IN MY OWN APARTMENT- this living at home is driving me crazy!!!

• TRANSITION TO MY CHOSEN CAREER FIELD OR AT LEAST BE IN A POSITION WHERE I'm DOING IT MORE - that would be audio engineering and/or music performance and production.

• GET A FREAKIN' CAR!!!! - I feel that many of my goals haven't been fulfilled because I'm not mobile enough. There's only so much public transportation can do but that leads to my next goal...

• ENVELOPE MYSELF IN A CREATIVE ENVIRONMENTS - I believe this will shake those nerves I have about sharing my gifts with the world. I want to use them before they are lost but I have to have a way to get to where I need to be.

• TRAVEL MORE! - I'm planning a trip to Greece next year and I also plan to travel more in the states. I want to see places I have only thought of going and nothing is stopping me now so AWAAAAAAAAY WE GO! First stop, NY. Then ATL, St. Louis, LA, New England, Texas; just to name a few. I'm trying to get to these places this year. NY is already planned. ATL, all I have to do is make a phone call and the others aren't far behind.

• EXPERIENCE PEOPLE - I have always been apprehensive about talking to people although I'm quite chatty when I want to be so I'm opening up more. For example, I was at a concert tonight and saw the audio engineer, who came and sat right next to me, operating the sound from a digital sound board. It was a remote but it did the same functions as if he were sitting behind the boards and we started talking. I told him about me and he encouraged me to get back into my engineering. I just had the same conversation with my friend, Dawn. She said 'Please come back to the church sound ministry. They need you."  Then I guess I know where I'll be on Sundays. (^_^)

So you see boys and girls, I should have some a lot to blog about in the coming year so please excuse me. I have to go and learn this song I wanna sing at the open mic on Friday. My journey has begun. I'm loving being me right now. Later Taters!!!