Bigger Than I

Ever so often,  we come across challenges that strike us so fiercely that it's difficult to envision a moment after; the view of the silver lining or the "just beyond the horizon" moment. Our thoughts and emotions are so saturated with the "now" moment that we forget there was once a "before now" moment that was just as soul shaking as this moment but somehow,  you made it.

I have gone through so much in my life but I am sure not nearly as much as some others but for me, my journey has been a difficult one. I have been discarded by many and even by some I thought would never do so. Life is not shocking to me anymore.  Still disappointing sometimes but I'm not the least bit surprised at what people do. These disappointing moments can leave you feeling a bit jaded and unwilling to open yourself up to the goodness that is love. My outlook on romantic love has been severely altered over the last few years but sometimes you need something or someone to cause you to reset your outlook.

This past Saturday, my world was shifted by someone who wasn't honest about loving and wanting me. I wasn't sad. I was surprisingly calm before I got mad but the anger subsided quickly because I walked in my house and my mother was sitting on the love seat with this little one week old baby in her arms. He was my new nephew Ryan and it was the very first time I have seen him in person. I looked at him while he slept and so many things went through my mind.

I had to gather my thoughts as I had just gone through a disturbing and angering revelation. I went into my room, notified the person that our relationship was done like over cooked chicken and I sat still for a few moments when I heard a knock on my door. My mother brought Ryan to me and I held this little bundle for the first time.

I looked at him and all I could say was, "Hi Bunky."

I couldn't take my eyes off of him because the goodness of the moment would dissipate into a memory and I didn't want that to happen. My whole last 5 years just dissipated moments before I held this beautifully calm sleeping baby in my arms.  I sat there staring at him. He moved a little then attempted to open his eyes to see who had next in the Hold The New Baby game. He peeked and closed his eyes and continued sleeping.  I hummed a little, still staring and thinking of all the sadness I had inside because nothing would be the same, Ryan smiled. I hummed a little more and he smiled again. I needed to see him at that exact moment. I needed the genuine smile of someone who knows nothing of hate, lies, cheating, deception, rasism, abandonment,  chaos, anger, fear, or doubt.  I needed someone who won't break a promise, cause panic in my soul or lead me to mistrust people more that I already do. I needed someone who accepted me and needed me just for that moment. I needed to hug my nephew because there was no one else safe to hug.

I could hug my other two nephews but they always want money and my niece but she always wants gum. Lol

I watched Ryan and I was okay for that moment in time and realized that there is a force way bigger than I navigating this journey. He knows when to give me directions, instructions and assistance.  He knew this day would bring me to a point of mistrust for people but in my arms was a little boy that the world has not influenced yet. That is happiness. Holding someone for the first time. You never know when your last embrace with someone you loved will be but there is perfection in the first embrace that stays with you.

I didn't kiss him that day but next time I'll hold him longer and hopefully get to see his eyes.  Until I find my last first kiss, Ryan's perfect little cheek will be it for now.

Though I confess to being shattered right now, I know the mender of broken hearts so I'll be just fine.

Bitter Sweet Celebration

Mother's Day is a day of love and appreciation for mothers and the other women in your life who have stood in place of or in addition to, biological mothers. I'm fortunate to have mother around and can still show appreciation. As grateful as I am to have my mother, mother's day is bitter sweet  for me because it is an amplified reminder that I have no children to celebrate me.  The sadness is not me not getting gifts or flowers or a card saying "Happy Mother's Day Mom" but that there is no extension of Tara for generations to come to say "My grandmother  (or greatgrandmother) Tara..."

I have reconciled that I may never have any children so I'm not necessarily sad but on Mother's Day, people are being kind by saying happy mother's day because most people see a woman of a certain age and think she must have kids. Well, I don't so I just say thank you instead of trying to explain that I don't have children. This year I'll be 41 and I don't doubt God can do anything but He and I have an understanding. Lol

Though His purpose may or may not include children for me whenever I have the opportunity,  I must provide support and extend wisdom to a young person and if that imparted knowledge is ingrained into their essence and is activated to change the course of their lives for the better, I'm more than happy to oblige.

I don't have god-children either but I have two (soon to be three) knuckle head nephews and a beautifully sarcastic niece so whenever I can, I teach Charles about art, not being afraid to try new things, and nutrition,  Steven, about the ways of the world and to follow his dreams with dignity and self respect and Courtney,  knowing thyself and being courageous despite what others see when they look at her, say when she succeeds or fails, and to never walk through life with her head down.


Those lessons, hopefully, will still be flowing through the future Aldridge generations and just maybe someone will say, years after I'm gone, "My great aunt Tara taught me that."

For all the mothers on the planet, have an awesome Mother's Day!!!!

Who do you love? Are you sure?

Those are the questions of the day.  Share if you have answers. :)

Only want what's best for you

There aren't too many times that I feel the need to hide real aspects of my life.  Some things are rather personal but I've never had then need to lie about anything yet I am definitely not trying to be over exposed like many people today.  We say "I want my privacy!" then turn and put our lives under a magnifying glass for the world to see.  This is just a way of saying "Look but don't judge."  How can we not?  Just another fine example of our contradictory society.  However, I digress.  Though blogs can be a part of the overexposure of self, I try to write things I know someone, somewhere may be going through as well.  In my mind, it's a way to show someone that they aren't alone and in a way, this is my own sounding board for anyone to listen because (and this is a part of my transparency),  I don't have many that will.

Here we go.

My blog, when I started, was focused on love.  Whatever that word means to me seems to be ever changing and for myself and others, the emotions love conveys, and the actions it provoke have become so raw and fragile.  To a degree, love is still my primary theme even if it's the sadness that love sometimes bring.  I'm having a harder time writing about romantic love these days.  I cannot identify well with what family love and support is suppose to look like so I don't write about that much.  Friendships, though few, have been good but most are conditional and depends on the level of need and the climate so there are many days, weeks, months, where I'm on my own. It's tough because you are told you are strong and you tell yourself you'll be okay but love hasn't shown up to tell you the same. Not the love you're looking for.

I believe that we should be transparent for the sake of not hiding things that will hurt others, however most people don't feel or think the same way.  I believe that if it's something that could even hurt yourself, whether physical or emotional, you should share with someone.  God didn't put us on this planet alone, without others to fill the void that pain and hurt can cause us. Unfortunately, for some of us, the only way to save ourselves is to shut down and pray that someone, GOD, anyone will help us to hit the reboot button.  Because I love very deeply, I find that emotionally shutting down for a while is the only thing that can save me right now.  I know people change and I'm the first to understand that we all stand in different footprints in this world; unique to ourselves.  Thinking hasn't helped my situation at all.  Us emotional over-thinkers can at different times make our own situations better but we can self-destruct with even more brilliance.

I've been called a liar by liars.  I have been called a bad friend by the worse "friends".  It's been said I have an attitude yet no one dare ask me why or if I actually have one.  No one wants to know what they contribute to your state of being but they are quick to assess you as if they are diagnosing you with a critical illness while they should be hooked up to an IV.

I don't lie.  I have never believed in just lying for nothing.  I don't even like lying for a reason that is "justifiable" so to just lie to make my self look innocent, smarter, better in any way seems worthless.  Even when the truth makes me look terrible, I believe by revealing the ugly truth I'm positioning myself to always be on a clean slate and not worry about what can be found out.  There are things that I may not tell people but those are things that are private vs. being untrue. There's a difference.  There are many situations that can lead to someone losing faith in people, themselves, and even God.  Be mindful of where you are emotionally, mentally and spiritually because you won't see it coming when your heart and mind are hit with a barrage of spears designed to end what innocence and belief you may have in others.  No one thinks they could feel lost until they are standing in the middle of the road with no map, no compass and no one to give them directions and the storm clouds are on the horizon. Stay Calm.

IN COMES TREY SONGZ

I think I'm officially mad at him for the last few days.  

So, I'm at work and sitting at my desk yesterday and I'm listening to my radio on my phone when a song comes on.  Normally, I'm not a fan of Trey Songz so I'm not necessarily willing to just sit through his songs.

Not that he's not talented.  I just wasn't into his highly vibrato voice but it seems to have gotten much better. Good for him.  

As I'm working, a song of his plays and I stop typing to listen.  First of all, I'm a instrumental person where if the music can touch me, the next step is the lyrics and if you can sing, TRIFECTA!  I sat and listened then I found it on YouTube and played it over and over until I fell asleep last night and then again this morning.  The lyrics tore my heart apart.  How do you make the hard decisions you know you need to but can't seem to make?  At some point we have to take ourselves out of the equations because sometimes what you want isn't the best for someone else.  This is a hard truth.  People may not see when you change but you do. They may not even see when they change but you do. Sometimes, you see when things won't change and I think that's even harder to deal with. When do we use these truths to become better people?  Who decides how we become better people? Better families?  Better friends?  Better lovers? Strive for better-ness not bitterness.  Working on my heart today.  It needs a massage.

Still mad a Trey though. hmph.

The Power of Silence

With all the chaotic sounds that swirl about our senses each day, to be given to silence, even for a moment, has the power to provoke great thought of one's life, purpose, next steps or just about anything that is heavy laden on your heart, mind and soul.  I have come to understand that through silence, revelations can be revealed about who you really are, the characters of others and the level of spiritual connection or lack there of you have with God.

The interesting thing about being silent is that no other person can live within the realm of your silence but you.  Heavy contemplation of who you are happens in silence. A level of honesty is present in your quiet moments that cannot be denied.  Even if  you have give people a false perception of who you are, the real version of yourself makes an appearance when you are alone with no one watching. The only drawback to that is in your own silence, and I know this will sound all preachy but if you don't have a connection to God and an understanding of His love, it is your perception of truth that takes up residence in your quiet moments.  

In the quiet moments, truths are revealed, decisions are made, perceptions are challenged, encourage is found, sorrow is amplified, troubles are calculated and peace can be attained. All of these different but holding as much power and significance.  

I have remained silent for a long while now.  So much so that speculation about why I'm silent has traveled through my family, which isn't unusual. However, what I've learned about myself is if you love someone, you don't sit back, watch them struggle, do nothing then talk about it as if they are wrong for having a struggle. The truth is we may be the owners of our struggle but the care and love that goes into pulling one out of the struggle is a community effort. What manner of man will step over a hungry man while filling his belly without cares?  

We have to think on these things before challenging someone's struggle.  In my silence I have learned a lot about who I am.  I have learned what makes me defensive. I have learned what calls out to my heart in grief. I have learned how to maintain calm in the moments when an angry tirade would be fitting for the situation.  I have also learned that every person has their own perception of each thing in this world. Some may find a common ground to stand on in judgment of others but the truth still remains that unless you are living within someone's silence, you have no idea what's going on in their heads and hearts unless they grant you access.  The problem with granting access into your silence is that the silence become broken and if there isn't an understanding of the position you stand, that person or people, even if not intentional, will become a disturbance.  

Before someone challenges someone's perception of honestly, one must understand that there is the truth that is, a truth that is perceived and a truth that is desired.  Most people can't handle the truth that is.  They feel judged and challenged in a way that is uncomfortable and they can't compete with what is. The perceived truth is gained through speculation or observance from a distance but still lacking in full transparency.  The problem with perceived truth is it feels so much like real truth that it is indeed the cause of misunderstanding, judgement, fall outs, anger and broken relationships. 

Be careful about what you think you know to be true.  

The desired truth is the hope that what is will turn into something that you would prefer instead of the reality you have to deal with.  Unfortunately, too many of us take up too much of our time, quiet or otherwise, wishing and hoping for something to be when it simply isn't.  

Hard choices are revealed in our quiet moments.  Struggles are outlined in our quiet moments.  Chaos is itemized in our quiet moments. However, do not lose heart.  In your moments of solitude, peace can be found.  Love can be revealed.  Strength can be gained. Resolution may be discovered.  

Even if you are not in a time of struggle, spend some quiet time alone.  There is a level of peace that may emote from you that others simply will not understand.  Those of us who have endured much during our lives, and that's just about everyone, need to be aware of our true selves. How we really feel about ourselves and what we desire in this lifetime. Sometimes you have to shut everything out to discover what's inside. 

May you have the mind to create quiet, reflective and peaceful moments in the midst of your storm.  May God's spirit be with you so that truth may be revealed. Not the truth you desire or perceive but the truth that is.  

B@Peace.  

   

The Struggle of Love

We encounter experiences where we are forced to come to terms with the difficulties that insert themselves in how, who and why we choose to love.  The biggest mistake someone can make is to think maintaining love will be easy.  Yes, the love feels good. It makes you feel all dreamy and gushy inside but what happens when the honeymoon phase is over? How do you keep yourself from getting annoyed at everything and take off running?

The good thing about real and true love is you understand that it takes work and sometimes it doesn't feel all dreamy and gushy,  Loving someone takes discipline. Loving someone takes patience. I know many people aren't religious but whether you are or not, the "love scriptures" are always good for anyone to know because it lays down a true foundation of what is required to love.

I Corinthians 13: 4-7

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

When someone loves, they will wait for that person they love and exercise patience in a way that reflect love in the hopes that growth is possible.   We understand that we have our own timeline when we want things to happen but in reality, things don't always happen when we want them to and this is the part of love that begins the discipline process of considering others in our plans to move forward.  Being patient calls one to have time to be thoughtful about what hey truly want in love and the more they understand their position of confidence, there is no reason to be envious or even boastful in a relationship because there is a natural essence of love that is free flowing and others will see it without you saying a word.  You don't have to ask a person if they are happy if they emote happiness in their speech, action and countenance.

5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,

Love behaves and isn't selfish.  You can see in the lineup of the scriptures that you can't do any of the proceeding guidelines without the patience.  How can you be mindful of your actions and words without being patient enough to assess your feelings and thoughts on how to "be"?  Understanding who you are and what you want in life and love helps you to be secure and respectful of not just others but yourself.

When you are in love with someone, the concept of 'only what I want' goes out of the window.  You aren't in a relationship with yourself so you can't decide everything on your own and it isn't smart to dismiss others feelings or thoughts because it doesn't tie in with what makes you comfortable at the moment.  As a person grows in life, biologically, they are aware of the changes because they become uncomfortable in the place they are in.  If a child tells you "Mommy/Daddy, my feet hurt."  Their discomfort tells the parent that they have grown and in a case like that, the parent must get new shoes for the child. One way we know our relationships are growing to a different phase is when the challenges come and you begin to feel uncomfortable.  Many people don't move beyond where they are because when they get an inkling of discomfort, instead of facing it head on, working through the discomfort to get to a new level of understand about self and their love, they revert back to behaviors and patterns that are comfortable for them.

Why eat a salad that will help you be healthier when you can get that loaded pizza and soda with wings, sit on the couch and watch a movie?  Consider the end result if you do the latter on a regular basis. Sickness comes.  When we don't move to find better ways to cope with challenge in an effort to grow, we risk having sick relationships and some relationships die as a result.

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

 From experience and example, I've learned that many relationships are tainted with anger and grudges.  It reminds me of a Gladys Knight and the Pips song. "Neither one of us". The chorus says "Neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye".  Saying goodbye isn't always necessary in rough times in a relationship but when you have so much anger for your partner and can't let go of either mistakes or wrong choices (considering that the person had apologized and tried to make up for it), instead of understanding that maybe you aren't meant to be, people stay but are miserable.   They are miserable because they haven't let go. What's the point of staying with someone if you are just going to torture them and yourself?  Seek a resolution of resolve to let go. Not that simple, I know, but something has to give.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

There is an essential component of honesty that is required in relationships.  Most relationships end because of the actions and feelings that are attached to some form of deceit.  Honesty is so important. Even if it's a painful truth, I'd prefer a painful truth that wills dissolve with time and cause me to not harbor ill will towards someone. There is something about deceptive behaviors the makes it hard for people not want to trust anymore.  I believe people can recover from trust issues because trust can be rebuilt but it takes work but it comes back to discipline.  Patience to understand who you are and what you want helps with how you love and why you love.  How and why you love speaks in your motives for loving and how you approach the people you love and resolve issues.  There can be no true resolutions without honesty.  We dismiss how important honesty is but without it, there is no point being in a relationship.  If you decide as a couple that you're going to lie to each other, more power to you.

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres

Finally, when you love someone, you want them safe; mind, body and soul.  There is a protection that is implied when you trust someone with your heart and body.  There is a trust that comes with including someone else in your life. There is a level of hope that this is the right move to make and person to love and in that hope, you want it to last.  The discipline of loving is a lasting process is powerful and truthfully, many people haven't come to the place of discipline to love wholly and truly but as we live, we learn. I'm glad that each day I'm given a chance to forgive, love in truth and find happiness.  Even if everyday isn't the happiest, there is something about knowing you love someone and they love you back that gets you through the challenging times.


Be patient with love.  Work at it. Hopefully, happiness will attach itself to you even in the tough times. Be blessed. Be disciplined in love. B@Peace!

Life in perspective

Each day you wonder what will happen that will change the course of your current situation in life. What will be that thing or that event that you cannot ignore or turn away from? What will be done, will you have to do, or will happen that will set your life on a different course, place you on the proper course or stop you dead in your track and make you re-evaluate everything you think you know about life and yourself?   Some things happen that change the paradigm that we have built our lives around. Some things we have the power to change because we can see the patterns of our behavior or there are logical outcomes based on the situations but there are also instances where you have no idea that certain events will occur.  When you don't know something is going to happen, you cannot avoid that event from happening. 

Most people see situations on the news or hear others speak of certain misfortunes or tragedies and think "man, I'm sure glad that's not me." but when it is you, how can you cope?  What do you have inside of you that will help you carry on through the roughest of time without wanting to give up and throw in the towel?

Most people have their source of strength and belief system that gives them the coping skills even when they aren't sure they can fully give themselves to those systems at the moment when they are grasping to hold onto what they know vs what they feel.  I am a woman of faith. I have unwavering faith in God that has been tested time and time again but even in the moments I feel that maybe, just maybe God has decided not to keep me in his direct or peripheral view, I am still His child and that doesn't mean He doesn't love me or isn't paying attention.  We all have our moments when life takes you for a loop but what is that thing that brings you back to the reality that, in the simplest way I can put it, "Life Happens"?

No person is exempt from bad things happening. People would like to reserve all bad events for the people who do bad things, hurt people, are mean and evil but the truth is that life doesn't discriminate.  Good and bad happen to all people.  The important thing is to always understand that so that whatever happens, you won't have a false sense of undeserved events or God being unfair for "letting" something happen to you.   You are human. Life happens to humans. People live. Everyone at some point will die regardless of how long we want to live.  We don't want to see our loved ones hurt or die but even if you have the good fortune to live a life with minimum tragic events, you will experience some pain even if indirectly. 

As I write this I am sitting in a hospital waiting room in PG County, MD where my brother-in-law is in ICU due to someone hitting him with a car while he was walking home two nights ago.  The person hit him, got out of the car and fled, leaving my brother-in-law in the road.  This situation could have been much worse had it not been for a pedestrian passing by and called 911 to get him help. What is amazing is even though he suffered a broken pelvis, broken wrist, broken nose, punctured lung, broken bones near his eye, broken ribs and a few more injuries...O_O, he was able to laugh, pray and talk a little.  I am ever grateful at the spirit  which he carries with him because without his faith and the drive to live and have a more abundant quality of life with the gift of a second chance, his healing may not be as complete as it can be. I believe our attitude and level of faith has a great deal to do with how you heal. 

His spirits are wonderful for a man who is in so much pain. He expresses his love to all his friends and family and those who didn't even know him but interceded in prayer on his behalf.  I admire the drive to simply survive but when you want to live you will yourself to get through the pain.  He will be okay.  I believe and trust he will be.  I love my brother and when he hurts, our whole family hurts.  When he is in need, we are all available to help him. 

Life tends to come out of left field and tackle you but as long as life is present, you can get up and move forward even if the steps are short and someone has to hold you up.  KEEP GOING!!!