It's not easy being green

As I opened my Blogger account this morning, I was suddenly confronted with a memory of a melody from a song that Gen X kids may remember. It's a song sung by Kermit the Frog called "Bein' Green". Jim Henson, creator of The Muppets and the original voice of Kermit the Frog, did a phenomenal job articulating the longing to understand one's differences and how despite those differences, they are what makes us unique and deserving of love; Acceptance. Random as hell, right? Well, actually, I often flash back to many random memories from my youth, and this song was a fond memory from my high school days at Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington DC.  When our concert choir director, Mr. Edward Jackson, taught us this song, we laughed because the was a Muppets song but let me tell you, we LOVED singing this song. As you can see, almost 34 years later and it still holds a beautiful place in my memories. Also, thinking about us as teenagers back then, maybe more teens need this song in their lives. Adults, too. 

Back to it. 

I woke up thinking about rejection and how, despite one's best efforts, rejection will come in this life, and it is unavoidable. Many times, being rejected causes a person to examine things about themselves and question what could have been different that would have yielded an outcome of acceptance but the truth is, sometimes, you can do all the right things or have the best heart and intention and still be rejected. Being rejected feels horrible but accepting that not everyone will accept, like, understand or even care about you, you get to decide how to manage your feelings around the rejection and to not place blame on yourself for how others react or feel about you, provided you're a good* person and not just an asshole. 

(As the word "good" is subjective, you also must understand what you view as being "good".)

 There is rejection due to one's values and standard which we all participate in when we choose which of a thing we prefer. Even deciding to befriend one person over another often results in a feeling of rejection. That may not always be intentional but someone will be rejected and they very well may feel the rejection deeply. Some rejection is intentional, cruel, and often used as a manipulation tactic. Trust me, I know this all too well.  As must as I analyze the behaviors of others, I must be more aware of my behaviors around feeling rejection. 

Even as adults we act out in strange ways when we don't feel wanted. Some behaviors are self-motivating and other could put your mental health and physical personhood at risk.  Again, I have experienced both moments of encouragement and the dark side of dealing with being ignored, turned away, and unwanted. The older I get the quicker I'm able to identify when it feels like a rejection spiral come about and even then I am not fooled into believing that I haven't willingly chosen the self-destructive path. Everyone wants to be wanted, desired, and longed for. I prefer a straightforward rejection over the cruelty of the gas lighting bullshit people do. 

I am me everyday. I'm cute. I'm fat. I'm smart. I'm moody. I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive. I said that twice because sometimes it's a wonderful thing and other times it feels like a burden. I'm affectionate. I'm illusive. I'm loud. I'm quiet. I'm loving. I'm sometimes cold. I'm human. I have grown to love this messy version of myself. I am fucking dope! And finally, in the edited words of Kermit the Frog: 

(I replaced the word "green" with the word "me")

"When me is all there is to be,

It could make you wonder " why?"

But why wonder; why wonder?

I am me and it will do fine. 

It's beautiful and I think it's

What I want to be." 

"Bein' Green" The Muppets; written by Joe Raposo, performed by Jim Henson

Thanks Mr. Jackson. I miss you, dearly. 💓

Be well, loved ones.

Stay TRU💋

A Full Circle of a Beautiful Life

View from my former rooftop. Oh, how I miss it. NE DC

Breathe.

Be still.

Keep Calm.

Know that you will be okay.

Then...get to work!

Lately

Many times, we often find ourselves returning to the place of heartache and heartbreak (often mistaken as the same thing but slightly different; a break will ache, but an ache doesn't necessarily break). 

I've been up for hours just thinking and listening to music. Tonight has been a night of trying to find the sense in heartbreak and how frequently it has come for me. No, I do not pity the lot in life I have received, but I think of the lens through which I view my experiences. Some things have stuck with me over the years, and I realize how common it is for many people to feel a need for closure to put a stamp on the finality of relationships, experiences, and so on, or they seem unable to let go. I often hear people say, "Just let it go." I agree with this sentiment. Let go of the hold memories have on you. Let go of the inability to move forward without some sort of finish. There is no point in waiting for "Fin" to appear as the closing credits roll to a monumental musical score. 

Sometimes the closure is that whatever you had is simply over, and sometimes we don't like or understand its ending. Sometimes there are no magical excuses or reasons why something ends. Things end. Moments end. Experiences end. Seasons end, though they return, not the same as before, but holding on to the traits that define them. If love has defined your best season, it will return, but the love may not look the same as it did in the past. There is both sadness and excitement in the flourish of a new thing. To hold the new thing sufficiently, you must open your hand so that the old thing can fall to the ground or be whisked away by the breeze carried atop the whispers of yesteryear's wishes that never came true, but hold space in hopeful hearts. For some time now, I've been meditating and asking if I'm making the correct decisions for my life. 

I believe in mindful moments being the only true moments we have in life. Your future moments will become the present moment at some point. Nothing in your past can be altered; only reflected upon. Future moments are not carved in stone, so the worry we have about them only destroys our present mindset. Let them go. We want so much to be able to control what happens and what will happen. In understanding that point, the decisions I've made have all led me to a point of understanding that I don't understand everything, and I am fine with that. Our evolution depends on our curiosity to understand so that we may find the wonders of life in extraordinary ways. Rather than pray or desire the answers so that I may escape the deep cuts of life, I ask for the awareness of moments to know when to proceed and when to detour my path. I ask that I be given the knowledge of how to bandage the unavoidable injuries that come with life. I ask that I receive an additional 24 hours to experience the shift in the atmosphere so that I may not give in to the moment of hopelessness. I ask for visibility even when I want seclusion. One thing that is true for all is that this life will conclude, and not everyone will get the ending they hope for. Some hope life will go on and on. We live a very finite existence, and when you think of life as a pathway to an ending, the time we spend wishing and hoping for things we can't have or can't change seems fruitless and wasteful. 

Believe me, my heart pines for a great lost love, lost opportunities, lost relationships that I have altered because of my own actions or inaction. I think of all those things while listening to Stevie Wonder's "Lately". I've lived those lyrics. Sometimes, we don't grieve lost loves left behind; we grieve the person we used to be or the person we wanted so much to be but never were. Although Stevie's lyrics are about feelings of an impending end of love. I have felt this with both love and my own identity. My premonitions are rarely wrong, and so when I feel, think, observe life the way I do, I acknowledge what may be coming then leave it to the universe to decide what shall be. I have not made the wrong decisions in my life. I made decisions that pushed me towards who I am today. Give yourself compassion and understanding that life comes as it may, and we cannot predict what happens, no matter how much we plan. Give yourself grace to be human. In all things (good, bad, indifferent), be grateful for what life teaches you. So as the thunder growls outside my window and the sky weeps for brighter days, I, too, will have grace for this moment and be grateful for it because right now will never return. 

Absorb

ABSORB

By: TRU Ess

He chased my dreams until he caught up to me

Stood still and watched me turn to see who stood there

My head tilted and my heart smiled because no matter how fast or far I ran

He would always catch up to my dream

Sweetly, a melody left my berry hued lips and was intercepted by his arms 

Which also held a love he sometimes could not fathom

But there it was

As I turn to continue my journey, he walked beside me

Hand in hand

Swinging to the rhythm of the breeze

The curiosity is seized and he no longer has to wonder if he is welcomed

I am here for you

I know you are there for me

Love began with a whisper and ended with a sonic boom 

That to many, sounds like the murmuring of a thousand wasps

I am here for you

I know you are there for me

Walk with me into the sun

Where we both can burst into a love held by the divine

A calm washes over us in the midst of a chaotic world

Finding a place to smile seems difficult in the presence of grimacing faces 

They will look at our love and think it peculiar

Couple walking into the Sun (AI Generated Image)

Think it unbelievable

Or think it rather mundane

Through a sea of thousands I locked onto his eyes staring back at me and he reached through to grab my hand

Today, we walk

Today, we walk

Today, we