Progress in Progress

As the wallpaper peals away years of memories
I plan to toss out thoughts of yesterday
hopes of a better way
tinged with sadness, self-esteemed frayed

I rearrange my lavender skies
and my multi-hued family ties
my thousands of attempts to try
I let go and the papers fall to the floor
to be swept up and discarded

Cleaning the rafters of my expectations,
I wash down the bare walls that are left behind
for new memories
new experiences
new mistakes that somehow echoes the same melody as the former

I turn down my music as to not disturb the tukorsima
at the risk of causing a disturbance
I slowly sit quietly with head in hands
and I think

Are my thoughts too loud?

I wait until the right moment to stand and begin again
Unable to choose the perfect shade to cover my memories
those things that colored me
I stumble over a rainbow of dreams left at my feet
bending down to rummage through the pile
I lose my footing but also my breath
I searched for my hanaemi but only saw the expressions of years of sustaining instead of happiness

Did it ever exist, my hanaemi?

Maybe it is hiding
Maybe it sought refuge in a safer place
Maybe the angels share watch over it until I'm ready
But for now, I continue my domestic task of preparing a home
for a heart once left behind

I'll leave a light on just in case she returns




c. 2013 Tara L. Aldridge