The Same Difference

For years, I have often spoken about how many people claim to be different from others and somehow, more unique than most, but I have yet to find an abundance of distinctions among the same people who claim an extraordinary level of uniqueness. Truth is, everyone is unique when you consider our unique DNA "stuffs"; however, differences usually show up in how we navigate the society we subscribe to, and even then, so many people share similar experiences, with similar reactions, and similar mindsets. No, no one person experiences life exactly the same, but there are variations of similar experiences that we react to according to our beliefs, rationale, emotions, and level of understanding and knowledge. 

I used to think I was absolutely the only version of me (which is still true) until I saw someone who had my face and others who felt the things I felt about almost everything. It's sobering and also relieving because it highlights the fact that we truly are not alone in the world. I have never claimed to be different, but what I do, how I think, and how I appreciate the world around me (sometimes) have made others view me differently. For me, that's good enough. 

I realized early in life that all the people parading around talking about how different they were, weren't. We (universal "we") like to paint ourselves in the best light so others can do the same, but the truth is, I have long since stopped believing what people say and only slightly believe what they do. Behavior is the differentiator. When a person says "I'm different," but I see the same tired behaviors that I've seen time and time again, I'm not upset, nor am I shocked that they are human. Period. 

Lots of people try to appear as close to perfection as possible, even in our flawed existence. Some people say how "perfectly flawed" they are. See how they can't be simply flawed? They have to be perfectly flawed. During the last decade or so, we (universal "we") have become "experts" in healing, growth, emotional intelligence, communication, and relationship criteria. Well, I trust those who study in these fields and even consider the perspectives of those who are not professionally focused in these areas but have done the work on themselves and help others in an authentic, non-judgmental way. Not everyone does that, so it isn't wise to just blindly believe someone who says they have the "secret" to healing and what it is supposed to look like. Most of the time, that "expertise" is conditionally based on their subjective perspective of their own experiences or what they think they know about someone else's experiences. 

With all this "expertise" floating around, it just sounds like a room of parakeets. Now, granted, this is not all bad. To me, this seems like people are grasping the idea of the work it takes for self-care and "healing" from past and sometimes present wounds. However, the idea of unique perspectives is a stretch when so many people are parroting each other's words, almost verbatim. Nothing is wrong with that. I simply throw up an eyebrow when people say they are different. When I ask "how so?", either they regurgitate things others have said or they express what they think "good" different is, and most of the time, again, I've heard that "difference" before. 

I won't drag this on much longer, but I'll leave with this:

The "difference" doesn't show up in the saying but in the doing.

If I don't have a point of reference for someone, I simply trust what I see and what they show me. 

Show me you're not the same as everyone else by not doing the all same things as everyone else.

Stay TRU

It's not easy being green

As I opened my Blogger account this morning, I was suddenly confronted with a memory of a melody from a song that Gen X kids may remember. It's a song sung by Kermit the Frog called "Bein' Green". Jim Henson, creator of The Muppets and the original voice of Kermit the Frog, did a phenomenal job articulating the longing to understand one's differences and how despite those differences, they are what makes us unique and deserving of love; Acceptance. Random as hell, right? Well, actually, I often flash back to many random memories from my youth, and this song was a fond memory from my high school days at Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington DC.  When our concert choir director, Mr. Edward Jackson, taught us this song, we laughed because the was a Muppets song but let me tell you, we LOVED singing this song. As you can see, almost 34 years later and it still holds a beautiful place in my memories. Also, thinking about us as teenagers back then, maybe more teens need this song in their lives. Adults, too. 

Back to it. 

I woke up thinking about rejection and how, despite one's best efforts, rejection will come in this life, and it is unavoidable. Many times, being rejected causes a person to examine things about themselves and question what could have been different that would have yielded an outcome of acceptance but the truth is, sometimes, you can do all the right things or have the best heart and intention and still be rejected. Being rejected feels horrible but accepting that not everyone will accept, like, understand or even care about you, you get to decide how to manage your feelings around the rejection and to not place blame on yourself for how others react or feel about you, provided you're a good* person and not just an asshole. 

(As the word "good" is subjective, you also must understand what you view as being "good".)

 There is rejection due to one's values and standard which we all participate in when we choose which of a thing we prefer. Even deciding to befriend one person over another often results in a feeling of rejection. That may not always be intentional but someone will be rejected and they very well may feel the rejection deeply. Some rejection is intentional, cruel, and often used as a manipulation tactic. Trust me, I know this all too well.  As must as I analyze the behaviors of others, I must be more aware of my behaviors around feeling rejection. 

Even as adults we act out in strange ways when we don't feel wanted. Some behaviors are self-motivating and other could put your mental health and physical personhood at risk.  Again, I have experienced both moments of encouragement and the dark side of dealing with being ignored, turned away, and unwanted. The older I get the quicker I'm able to identify when it feels like a rejection spiral come about and even then I am not fooled into believing that I haven't willingly chosen the self-destructive path. Everyone wants to be wanted, desired, and longed for. I prefer a straightforward rejection over the cruelty of the gas lighting bullshit people do. 

I am me everyday. I'm cute. I'm fat. I'm smart. I'm moody. I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive. I said that twice because sometimes it's a wonderful thing and other times it feels like a burden. I'm affectionate. I'm illusive. I'm loud. I'm quiet. I'm loving. I'm sometimes cold. I'm human. I have grown to love this messy version of myself. I am fucking dope! And finally, in the edited words of Kermit the Frog: 

(I replaced the word "green" with the word "me")

"When me is all there is to be,

It could make you wonder " why?"

But why wonder; why wonder?

I am me and it will do fine. 

It's beautiful and I think it's

What I want to be." 

"Bein' Green" The Muppets; written by Joe Raposo, performed by Jim Henson

Thanks Mr. Jackson. I miss you, dearly. 💓

Be well, loved ones.

Stay TRU💋

A Full Circle of a Beautiful Life

View from my former rooftop. Oh, how I miss it. NE DC

Breathe.

Be still.

Keep Calm.

Know that you will be okay.

Then...get to work!

Lately

Many times, we often find ourselves returning to the place of heartache and heartbreak (often mistaken as the same thing but slightly different; a break will ache, but an ache doesn't necessarily break). 

I've been up for hours just thinking and listening to music. Tonight has been a night of trying to find the sense in heartbreak and how frequently it has come for me. No, I do not pity the lot in life I have received, but I think of the lens through which I view my experiences. Some things have stuck with me over the years, and I realize how common it is for many people to feel a need for closure to put a stamp on the finality of relationships, experiences, and so on, or they seem unable to let go. I often hear people say, "Just let it go." I agree with this sentiment. Let go of the hold memories have on you. Let go of the inability to move forward without some sort of finish. There is no point in waiting for "Fin" to appear as the closing credits roll to a monumental musical score. 

Sometimes the closure is that whatever you had is simply over, and sometimes we don't like or understand its ending. Sometimes there are no magical excuses or reasons why something ends. Things end. Moments end. Experiences end. Seasons end, though they return, not the same as before, but holding on to the traits that define them. If love has defined your best season, it will return, but the love may not look the same as it did in the past. There is both sadness and excitement in the flourish of a new thing. To hold the new thing sufficiently, you must open your hand so that the old thing can fall to the ground or be whisked away by the breeze carried atop the whispers of yesteryear's wishes that never came true, but hold space in hopeful hearts. For some time now, I've been meditating and asking if I'm making the correct decisions for my life. 

I believe in mindful moments being the only true moments we have in life. Your future moments will become the present moment at some point. Nothing in your past can be altered; only reflected upon. Future moments are not carved in stone, so the worry we have about them only destroys our present mindset. Let them go. We want so much to be able to control what happens and what will happen. In understanding that point, the decisions I've made have all led me to a point of understanding that I don't understand everything, and I am fine with that. Our evolution depends on our curiosity to understand so that we may find the wonders of life in extraordinary ways. Rather than pray or desire the answers so that I may escape the deep cuts of life, I ask for the awareness of moments to know when to proceed and when to detour my path. I ask that I be given the knowledge of how to bandage the unavoidable injuries that come with life. I ask that I receive an additional 24 hours to experience the shift in the atmosphere so that I may not give in to the moment of hopelessness. I ask for visibility even when I want seclusion. One thing that is true for all is that this life will conclude, and not everyone will get the ending they hope for. Some hope life will go on and on. We live a very finite existence, and when you think of life as a pathway to an ending, the time we spend wishing and hoping for things we can't have or can't change seems fruitless and wasteful. 

Believe me, my heart pines for a great lost love, lost opportunities, lost relationships that I have altered because of my own actions or inaction. I think of all those things while listening to Stevie Wonder's "Lately". I've lived those lyrics. Sometimes, we don't grieve lost loves left behind; we grieve the person we used to be or the person we wanted so much to be but never were. Although Stevie's lyrics are about feelings of an impending end of love. I have felt this with both love and my own identity. My premonitions are rarely wrong, and so when I feel, think, observe life the way I do, I acknowledge what may be coming then leave it to the universe to decide what shall be. I have not made the wrong decisions in my life. I made decisions that pushed me towards who I am today. Give yourself compassion and understanding that life comes as it may, and we cannot predict what happens, no matter how much we plan. Give yourself grace to be human. In all things (good, bad, indifferent), be grateful for what life teaches you. So as the thunder growls outside my window and the sky weeps for brighter days, I, too, will have grace for this moment and be grateful for it because right now will never return. 

Absorb

ABSORB

By: TRU Ess

He chased my dreams until he caught up to me

Stood still and watched me turn to see who stood there

My head tilted and my heart smiled because no matter how fast or far I ran

He would always catch up to my dream

Sweetly, a melody left my berry hued lips and was intercepted by his arms 

Which also held a love he sometimes could not fathom

But there it was

As I turn to continue my journey, he walked beside me

Hand in hand

Swinging to the rhythm of the breeze

The curiosity is seized and he no longer has to wonder if he is welcomed

I am here for you

I know you are there for me

Love began with a whisper and ended with a sonic boom 

That to many, sounds like the murmuring of a thousand wasps

I am here for you

I know you are there for me

Walk with me into the sun

Where we both can burst into a love held by the divine

A calm washes over us in the midst of a chaotic world

Finding a place to smile seems difficult in the presence of grimacing faces 

They will look at our love and think it peculiar

Couple walking into the Sun (AI Generated Image)

Think it unbelievable

Or think it rather mundane

Through a sea of thousands I locked onto his eyes staring back at me and he reached through to grab my hand

Today, we walk

Today, we walk

Today, we

Yuuuuuup

 Some days, all you can say is "Yuuuuuup."

So many changes happened for me in 2024, and 2025 is shaping up to be just as, how should I say it? Reflective? Introspective? Life-changing? Oh, yeah. Fuckified. lol 

When you get lost in a system, societal mindset, personal fear, and challenges, it's difficult to navigate the polarities you have always viewed as problems. What some people don't understand is that a problem is something you can solve, and that's that; usually led by either/or thinking. Polarities are interdependent and seemingly contradictory factors that cannot exist without the other and both are, at some point, useful; usually led by both/and thinking. The current polarity I am navigating is the Fear : Courage polarity. Fear and faith are also considered a related polarity. 

Some other examples of polarities we navigate daily are:

Action : Reflection

Stability : Change

Challenge : Support

Candor : Diplomacy

Those are just a few polarities to mention. 

This is my season for navigating fear and courage. Many people tell me how strong I am. Fear does not diminish strength. Fear is more than not having the "strength" to do something. If you overcome the fear and complete the challenging task, does that mean you gained the strength to complete the task or does it mean the strength was always there and you've learned how to tap into it confidently...enough? 

Have you ever heard the phrase "Do it afraid"? Whatever the "it" is that you must do, if you do it afraid then your strength was there all along. Your confidence wasn't. Fear will diminish your confidence and outlook on your ability to stand in that difficult place and do that damn thing. Navigating from the fear polarity pole to the courage polarity pole is the only way to pull away from fear. Make no mistake, we need a certain level of fear. Fear is designed to protect us, though over eons it has become more prevalent in situations that inherently should not be fearful. This is why I say my challenge now is navigating fear and courage. I possess both. The challenge is in how I navigate them. 

Consider this:

Regardless of the polarities, everyone has a preferred pole. It's the polarity you feel most comfortable in and the pole whose benefits you gravitate to. Each polarity pole has benefits and overuses. The overuses can be viewed as "too much of a good thing". Neither pole is good or bad. Both polarity poles are required for the other to exist. Each day, we navigate the spectrum between the two polarities. Sometimes you get stuck at one end of the spectrum. That may feel like it's solving the problem of overusing the opposite pole but as you lean more to the opposite end of the spectrum, you tend to start overusing that as well, so what do we think is the solution? Moving back towards the other pole. Even that "solutions" will find you back in the same cycle of movement if you're not careful.  

That roller coaster can seem never-ending. As I've learned in my coaching training and workshop facilitating the subject of polarities, we must view polarities as preferred perspectives. We don't gain the clarity we need until we've found that third perspective that brings the full picture together. The main objective to navigating these polarities is to find ways to have the best of both poles at any given time with minimal chances of overusing either pole, create multiple strategies options that will keep you moving along the spectrum so you experience many more benefits than overuses of either polarity pole. 

*By the way, there is a whole book called Navigating Polarities by Brian Emerson (Founder of Andiron) and Kelly Lewis: two of my favorite former colleagues and good friends.*

Okay, back to me. 

Fucking fear! I hate it, but the fear issue is that you can become comfortable in something that isn't good for you. You think it's keeping you safe from disappointment, rejection, failure, etc., and fear is also stopping growth, gaining new experiences, finding fulfillment, etc. Writing this blog has actually enlightened me on what I need to break this "stuckness" I've felt. I often define myself as a "realist", but I have to acknowledge that the opposite polarity to realism is optimism. Now I see that, as real as I have been, I have pushed aside the optimism because I don't like what happens when you overuse optimism. Too much optimism can bring disappointment, rejection, and loss of confidence.  The crazy thing is I know this and still I succumb to the polarities overuses and feel like I'm running back and forth on a long stretch of road with no off ramps, no intersections, or no pathways away from the road. 

Now that I have, in real time, identified my polarity challenges, I can navigate it to build strategies to get unstuck and move through the challenges; in essence, taking what I need from both sides when I need them and not feeling like I can't move beyond the moment. Do I still have a lot of work to do? Yuuuuuuup. Can I move beyond the "stuckness" to find the flow of strategies that will help me discover the third perspective of my situation? Yuuuuuup. Despite all fear, any doubt, or apprehension, will I be okay? Yuuuuuuuuuuuup!

Be well. 

Coach TRU💋

Everyone knows what's right...for you.

It's difficult to express yourself in a world where unlicensed "therapists" want to tell you how to communicate and naively try to decipher others' emotions with minimal understanding of that person. It leaves me rolling my eyes sometimes, but I get it. We've become such a subjectively analytical society that everyone is right and wrong simultaneously but it all depends on the "my truth" everyone refers to. I wonder if people realize that "their truth" isn't necessarily "the truth". 

I believe ("believe" being the operative word based on my lived experiences) that truth is not subjective. It's evidence-based and supported by reality, not what people wish to be true. Faith isn't even a fact. It's what you believe to be true, and that's cool, too. Developing kindred relationships requires time that allows people to understand and get to know one another. You cannot fast-track knowing people because you cannot experience them in various scenarios at once.  

AI Generated - African American Couple - Good Communication

I have had several people tell me over the years what they feel they require in a romantic partner. Basically, the requirements for those they feel would satisfy their wants and needs. Again, cool.  Today I had a laugh-out-loud message from someone telling me what the trick was to a woman finding a husband. Let me preface by saying I don't know this guy, have never met this guy, have never exchanged communication with this guy, and here I am getting a mansplained lesson on what I need to do to find a husband. The assumption that I am looking for one of those is deliciously presumptuous, but I digress. The mistake many of us make is to assume that someone we are interested in will automatically "get" us. They will understand the spoken and unspoken communication that happens without prompting. People tend to assume the meaning behind whatever form of communication without simply asking a person what they mean or if what they interpret as a message really is a message of some kind. Unfortunately, I've been observing a lot of people, listening to perspective podcasts, and conversations with acquaintances, and an all too familiar theme is people giving advice that they presume or proclaim is "truth". 

Those who say "This is my thought..." or "This is what I believe..." I give more weight and consideration to their perspective because they aren't trying to get me to believe what they think is the end-all be-all interpretation of a thing. If you have ever listened to my podcast (new episodes coming up soon), Prudes Need Not Apply, I have always stood by my position that my podcast is not about debating, nor is the podcast about trying to convince others to believe that what I say is true. The point is communication that leads to understanding perspectives is more effective and not attempting to prove "rightness" yields for a much more dynamic dialogue. The purpose of my conversations being grounded in understanding is that we live in a time with countless educated people in the world however, many still don't grasp how to comprehend various forms of communication. I'm a "read between the lines" person. As an Executive Coach, I'm also a non-verbal, somatic response observer. As a communications major in my graduate program, design and communication is my field of study so though I may not always communicate how others want me to, I always communicate and observe others' messaging via actual verbal or written messages or lack thereof. 

One of my professors once told me that "emotions are data". My coaching training has taught me to notice somatic responses to certain questions. These techniques have become powerful tools for me; in coaching and in life. One communicative issue for me is the idea of people either misunderstanding or misinterpreting my messages. This will cause someone to over-explain, then, after a while, shut down. What I mean by that is if someone is given the answer key to an exam and still fails, you kind of throw up your hands and say, "I gave you everything you needed to get it right." What we can't do is force anyone to comprehend the lessons or answers provided. So what do you do when that happens?

AI Generated - African American Couple - Poor Communication

There is no definitive answer to that question. We do what we think is the correct or reasonable response to a scenario regarding comprehending communication styles. For me, at my old age of old age, I often decide that after I have provided someone with the knowledge required to decipher clear or even some abstract communications, if that someone doesn't seek more clarity or understanding, I won't beat my head against a wall to try and make them understand me. I'm usually an open book and some people are not always interested in this book. I get it, and sometimes they love the story but get to a challenging chapter and want to change the story they have not written, so they may simple stop reading the book; never finishing the story. 

"TRU, What's the point of all of this?"

Well, glad you asked. The point of today's blog is that humans are arrogant (lol) and not many people can back that arrogance up with data and I acknowledge the differentiators of arrogance and confidence. We don't all know everything about any one person, however, we must start exercising more patience and empathy, especially when we have the desire to forge kindred relationships. A lot of people will miss out on beautiful relationships. They are so busy looking for themselves in others because they may think things will be easier. Nope. Not only should people be open to what the universe brings to us genuinely and lovingly but we should have faith and patience to cultivate a beautiful thing. 

May we all find our beautiful things and water them to be the best things in our lives. 

Stay TRU!