Imagine If

Imagine if

You look at her and see your choice in forever

You see every weight added to life with the courtesy of holding close an affection that is your through way to a destiny coloured with deep shades of transparent blues and yellows

Her eyes are all you can see and they read a real story of love

She braced to become the woman you asked for on knees to a god you said you believed in

Your request was fulfilled 

Holding her hand to your chest to feel the heart you pledged to her in the darkest moments of the nights when she revealed every part of herself to you

The nights you said you will always be the man she deserves and desires 

Calming hands feel spaces on…in her that springs forth the entities guarding her soul and lead you down a pathway only you can walk.

The desire is there

Love grows and fills cups that spill over into reality; painting the most delicate of pictures as a watercolor on mulberry paper

Striking curves reminding you why you long for her

You return to get a glimpse, hear her soft breathing as you rub her curves and kiss the nape of her neck

But you have to pull away and fear you may never find this feeling again

So now, as the dawn shows itself,  this will only be a memory

She will have to be a memory

But imagine…if you held all of what you feel for her...

And gave it to your wife

(C) 2024, TRU ESSENCE 

A Song to Die To

 

A song to die to

Everything in my existence has led me to this very moment. 

Every experience; 

every moment; 

every choice; 

every pain; 

every breath.

I’m here and not sure how I traveled from the place where my feet first planted on the earth 

to the place as they escape the pain of the unknown

With nothing but the perfect melody to guide the way

 just some poetically inspired moments: Back to it. 

Distinctly Knowing

Written by TRU Essence 

He looked at me differently

He listened to my words and heard my laughter
And he looked at me differently
His words slowed and he nodded at a point I didn’t realize I’d made
He held my hand but never looked at it
To see the lines that ran across the palm that held onto life like a child to its pacifier
He never saw my lines
He just held the very definition of me in his hands and never once looked

But today, he looked at me differently
The lights were not low
The music was not playing
Sensations traveling throughout the body and mind
Distracting us both from who was right in front of, behind, beneath or on top
Pleasure felt just because it was another body, not because it was us
Fully understanding and not expecting that he would take stock in the moment
We moved as ghosts in a new town
Not familiar but traveling through to find a good thing
To haunt for the rest of our days
But it was never intended for us to travel through eternity
Just a moment in this time

He never noticed my smile lines when he arrived at my door
I didn’t think he noticed my smile at all
Almost ashamed to see me as I am,
maybe he’s looking through me to see the end of his reason for coming
the noise of the background thoughts requires my attention to keep me safe from acknowledging that he doesn’t see me
I don’t know how my name sounds rolling off his tongue

I’m not even sure anymore if I am truly his destination or if I’m a pre-determined destination that he forgot to remove from his gps
I opened my world and he willingly walked in
We both understood, is what he says
And we both understood
“It is what it is” often turns to “I didn’t know what it could become” and
“if I had only known”
But we know, we knew and now we move on

I feel the bond that he doesn’t and know it’s of my own conditioning
To find anyone that will allow my love to abide inside
His heart was full of the many who sit and wonder if he even saw their smile lines
The closest I can get to his heart is a random text simply saying “Hey you.”
Years go by and numbers forgotten, faces lost in the crowd and my loneliness sustains itself
But “Hey you” arrives and I still find myself smiling; though I hate that I do

He doesn’t know me
He only knew me
He doesn’t want me
He just wanted me
It was convenient to want me without the wanting
I found myself wanting what I couldn’t have
While he had what he didn’t want
Match made in dysfunctional social heaven
We’re all citizens
We will haunt each other for the rest of our days

Because we know that somewhere in the world is an empty soul
That matches our own
Even if we cannot confess it to ourselves








(c) 2023 Tara L. Aldridge, Weeping Fountain Books

Not Me

Not Me

by TRU Ess 

((c) T.L.A. 2021)

I know her name

and it is not my name

I know he speaks sweetly to her 

in a way that is unique to her 

and not quite the sweetness he spoke to me with

but it's hers

I know her name

and it is not my name

I know that his thought space my image use to occupy 

now is a space with a new occupant

who decorates that space with different tapestries, candles, and fragrances

much different than the heart decor I designed for my time in that space

a lease that I thought would turn into ownership but became prorated

but it's no longer my space

and I know her name

and it is not my name

I read her name but never spoke it out loud

It wouldn't make her any less real to hear it 

but it made it more real 

that I would never be in that space again

The calm felt was a mixture of relief and resistance

Maybe if I were more angry this would make sense

but instead, I pause

and try to remember the quality of his voice as he said my name while I lived in his heart space

It was melodic and many times symphonic

but it arrived to the last stanza, the last bar, the last note, the last rest

It was done

and everyone left the hall to head into different directions

she now accompanies him on his journey

It is not for me to know where it leads them

but I turn right, and head down my own road

being conscious of how much my image dissipates as he travels more into his journey and I into mine

in the moments my heart feels what I think may look like sadness

I remember that I know her name

and her name is not my name

and I smile and keep walking forward down my road to wherever

 

Into the thick of it.

Following an Unseen Vision

 My thoughts may be a bit disjointed today so forgive me in advance for the circles I feel I'm about to write in. 

There is a real struggle to not give up. Many people assume that if one gives up on anything that it's a sign of weakness and showing no effort to succeed.  People assume this based on their own ability to be successful of their goals or the "you can do anything you put you mind to do" subjective reality. So, we judge. 

When someone is struggling with life, we judge.  Whether it's difficulty in relationships or career, with the seemingly eternal thoughts within oneself, or with life, this conflicting society says in one breath "you are loved and we see you" and "you're not strong enough and therefore less valued so we're going to look away because the weak don't matter".

Weakness 

Loneliness 

Scarcity 

Hopelessness 

Fear

These are just a few descriptors that cycle in the background for many of us and they influence every part of our anxiety filled lives. How we show up in the world may not tell the whole story of our challenges with life and living. 

Some people broadcast their challenges and that's not a bad thing because we are often told to speak up but we have become a desensitized society that says one thing and does the opposite. 

Family is all that matters then family betrays you.

Friends will be there when you need them but everyone has their own shit who can really be there for anyone. 

There is someone for everyone but no one ever comes. 

Don't want to be a burden so the "weak" and lonely fight to keep holding on to everything that supposed to matter with white knuckles.

What happens when your grasp begins to loosen and not holding on feels more like relief than failure??

I make mistakes, but...

I go through seasons. We all do. They may look different from other people's seasons but yes; we all have our seasons. My current season is stressful, a little lonely, uncertain, scared, and unknowing of how to navigate the feelings that are within this season. How do I shift my own emotions from, well, emotional to active production that carries me into my next season? Everyone always has the answer to someone else's problem but never their own.

Well, many people seem to believe they can see other people's issue more clearly than their own but for some, they don't necessarily see someone else's obstacle with clarity but see what they wish THEY could do if they were in the other person's situation. That may not be as helpful when disseminating advice to someone in need. You have to pull yourself out and consider the person with the challenge. Help them navigate the issue in a way that is palatable for them.

I can go down a long list of hurts, disappointments, broken-hearted situations but what will be revealed is how self-absorbed this season is making me. This isn't really such a negative but when you focus so much on your own issues, you suffocate under their weight. Sometimes we must focus on something else that lifts a weight off of our situation. Good things like helping someone else in need is always good. Being present while the good things in life happen around you helps to put things into proper perspective. Finding opportunities to be happy and excited are excellent ways to lift the stress from your situations. Your situations may not dissipate but you need to look at them with fresh eyes.

I feel deeply and honestly, I know that gets on people's nerves but I can't and won't change that because it took me damn near 40 years to get to this place of self-awareness and self-compassion. What is being revealed to me, however, is that not everyone has made it to where I am emotionally and they may not be able to relate to how I deal with things. I, too, still have a long way to go on my journey as well. 

Some find my silence, alone, to be too much to handle and here's the thing, I simply have to be silent sometimes. There is so much chaos inside sometimes that my own voice just adds to the noise. In my mind, I can compartmentalize the issues, place them in their own corners and deal with them one by one. I can't do that contributing to the chaos. This is a part of my mindfulness evolution. Many people don't talk about the things they avoid. I am silent so I can gain perspective on my feelings and be able to articulate my thoughts and feelings more effectively.

I'm not sure why my silence is so uncomfortable. I was told that my silence can be deafening especially when people are used to me having my thoughts together. I have come to the conclusion that people will have to be uncomfortable with my silence from time to time. I can't be all things to everyone and if everyone wants me to be someone different to make them comfortable then I become fragmented and lose myself. We all deserve to be true to ourselves and that includes within our introspective moments.

Fear of speaking is not the same as taking time to assess one's thoughts. For me, it's not a fear of being honest, gaining clarity, putting everything on the table or even having challenging conversations. I actually like challenging conversations because I learn a lot about myself and others. Sometimes we just need time. A true friend will learn that about you and honor your choice to take the time you need to figure things out. They will also love you enough to take that time with you.

Admittedly, sometimes silence can signify the end of one's efforts to continue running in circles. Other times it's a necessary pause. For anyone that cares for me, they will understand my need to pause or simply stop. Anyone who only considers their comfort level will only consider THEIR comfort level and cannot allow others to process their feelings in a timely and necessary way. I recently had someone tell me, while I was in my moments of struggling with my feelings and MAJOR traumatic shifts happening in my life, that he was momentarily uncomfortable after like 15 minutes and he just had to withdraw from the friendship. He tells me this after months of me being there for him in tough situations and making sure he was okay by being present and actively listening to him. Well, as hurtful as that was to me to be rejected, in a moment when I needed him the most, I just simply said "okay".

We shouldn't have to apologize to people for needing time to center.

Any given day, I have a hundred competing priorities in my head so if you like or love me, at all in any way, you will allow me to pause. Let me rephrase that. You will allow yourself to be patient with my pause because I'm pausing whether people are comfortable with it or not. I have to take care of myself the only way I know how to. I make mistakes all the time but caring for myself is never one of them. Trust me, I wish the same for you and will always honor your decisions to take care of yourself. 

How do you love?

I make mistakes often. It's a part of my human make up. As I have grown older I've become more compassionate with my own short comings,  idiosyncrasies,  and behaviors.

So, how do you love or show that you love someone? Does it look anything like the love you expect, want or desire for yourself?

I have a bad habit of stopping everything in my world, just long enough to devote my attention fully to a friend in need of my attention,  my time and my love. That's how I love; with my full attention. It feels like it's expected of me but too much for me to ask for in return. As an Empath, I have always been able to read the emotions and heart conditions of those whose energy  space I enter. It's a heaviness, sometimes, that cannot be explained.

The real frustration for me is when my energy is failing and when I need that unconditional attention, compassion and love. I've always been "strong" and for some people,  being strong also equates to lack of or minimal display of emotion. I am an emotional creature. We all are, if you're human. I'm often curious as to how others love and show it. I have such a strong belief and view of what love is or should be for me that I'm not sure I factored in that my way may seem too much for some people even though I feel my way of thinking and feeling allows for the compassion needed to find a certain amount of peace in my circumstances. I may be wrong.

I have found that unyielding people find me taxing and difficult. I say "unyielding" because when an outcome has to be what you want without complications and discomfort,  that is unyielding and it isn't realistic. We cannot grow as individuals stuck in our bubbles of expectancy.

I'm not bossy or needy, the way people like to define needy. I do have needs though and maybe MY neediness is not accepted because of who I am, how I look, and how people subconsciously reject me and call me silly for pointing out obvious behaviors.  Obvious to me anyway. We, humans, in general,  become so self absorbed when we are going through our STUFF and honestly,  there is nothing wrong with that.

As a woman, over years, I've heard about this mystical love a woman should or could receive from a man and I have to say, I dont believe that fantasy of an all enveloping love exists for me.  A man who stops to make sure I feel loved, even in the moments when I can't audibly communicate my heaviness. I have been regarded as a problem by those who don't want me to love them. I already know how the world views me. Use me as they will but god forbid that I should dare love them. Their love is always reserved for someone better than I. This is the strength of my reality. No pitty party. No reach for sympathy. This IS my life and there is no one who can say this isn't  true, especially the people who actively make this my reality.

But the real problem is me.

I keep expecting a different outcome with the level of love I offer and isn't that considered insanity?

If I was a...ugh...a bitch, complained, demanding and full of drama, maybe I'd get something. That's what is desired. Men say "no drama" then...drama. idk

I digress. I just don't want to be loved if the "love" is going to kill me anyway. Once faith in myself, love and others is gone, why stick around to be minimized and emotionally  deconstructed?

How's that for dramatic?