With Regards

I'm getting back into my song writing and poetry. I'm shaking off feelings so the next few days may appear to have sadness in it but I'm an artist and you all know we suffer for our craft. lol But this is just what I've written about that moment when you realize you've wasted to much time being sad and it's simply time to proceed with life. Hope you like it.

Dear You,

This is the last I put pen to pad;
writing about what we once had
and how it all turned out so bad.

Dear You,
I've been shaken up; emotions stirred
now I take this time to give my final word to you

I don't blame you, nor I, for giving love a try
but it seems the whole time the truth was denied

about how you really felt and what you thought I wanted.
you told me anything so you wouldn't be confronted
about how you said one thing but you showed me another
and you neglected to say I was not your only lover

and now, with regards to you
I'm letting go
the process was slow
but here I am now with regards to you
I still cry but the tears don't stay
I just wipe them away
and move on.

In regards to my heart,
I look for a brand new start
now that we are apart
I know it's a good thing.
Lost love may sting and again will come Spring

and I will be okay.

With regards,

Me

Feeling Pretty Okay Because I'm Under a New Authority

I have had a pretty cool week, so far. At the moment I'm listening to the new Mary Mary CD, Something Big, and it's soooooo encouraging.  It speaks to the confidence one should have in who they are, who they are designed to be and accepting the gifts God has given them with the assurance that He will provide them with all they require to fulfil their destiny, in Jesus' Name!

Have you ever admitted to having a spirit of fear? Maybe you have but the next question is "Have you embraced that spirit of fear or have you decided to conquer it?"

I was in Bible study last night and we began a series of The Fear Factor: Conquering Fear, Releasing Faith, Discovering Divine Freedom.  In short, the fear spoken of was not a natural reaction of surprise of nervousness to dogs or spiders or many of the phobias that humans may suffer from. We discussed the spirit of fear. Just as you can live your life under the authority of the Holy Spirit, you can live your life under the authority of the spirit of fear.

We touched on the idea of fearing God and it was explained by Pastor Tanya (Crossover Church, Hyattsville, MD) that the fear of God is not meant to be scared of God but to stand in awe of him; a reverential fear.

We discussed that a "factor" is not the whole of anything but a part so one of the factors that could be prohibiting your predestined growth is fear.

II Timothy 1:1-7 is Paul speaking to Timothy in an encouraging manor, not rebuking him, to let him know that he's done so much and to stay encouraged and not to allow a spirit of fear to overtake him.

Pastor Tanya (great teacher) used two examples of words used for "Spirit".

Kardia - refers to the center of all spiritual life and addresses the heart of a person (passions, desires, emotions)
and
Pneuma - the breath/Life of God (Reference Scripture John 14:16 & 17)

When Paul told Timothy God hasn't given you a spirit of fear he was not referring to the Kardia. As explained by our teacher, Paul referred to pneuma. Just as Pneuma (big "P") is breath of God/The Holy Spirit, pneuma (little "p") refers to the breath or spirit of another. Think about it this way, when we worship God we use the big "G" but when we refer to people who worship idol or other gods when use "g". Same principle with pneuma. God has not given you the pneuma. He gave us Pneuma!

Depending on which term you operate under will determine your source of living.  Do you operate under the authority of the Holy Spirit (Pneuma) or the spirit of fear (pneuma)? Which ever spirit you operate under is the controlling spirit in your life. if it's the Holy Spirit you operate under the Power, Love and Self Discipline. If you operate under the spirit of fear that's what you get. FEAR; constant doubt, uncertainty, fear or failing, fear of succeeding, fear of not looking right, fear of not being qualified, fear of not being good enough, fear of no one loving you...the list goes on.

I admonish all my friends and even someone who reads this and doesn't know me, let this be the day we start conquering fear and living under God's breath of life. We can be who God designed us to be. I admit to allowing the spirit of fear to control my life.

Ha...not anymore!

I want God's Fresh Breath....not that stinky breath of fear. lol. Stay TRU Loved ones!

Are you the cause of someone's heartbreak?

I haven't blogged in a while or not as frequently as I like to but I felt compelled to express myself today.  I speak of love and have shared my stories (not full disclosure but enough) of heartbreak and heartache and through all of that I have tried to be honest with myself about my roll in my heartbreak. When your heart gets broken, whether from a break up, inability to reach the one you love or timing, you try to see where you went wrong. Not that you really did anything wrong in particular but I guess you try to see where you should have noticed a change or picked up on the other persons language (verbal and body) or just trusted your instincts that something is wrong.

I have spent much time, during all my heartbreaks, trying to crack the code for when to know a relationship (be it friendship or romantic) is winding down to it's final moments.  Not many people can feel it coming. I always do. This is not to say I'm breaking up with someone every other week but I have had important relationships end and I was broken. I still hold love for these people but I know you have to love people from a far sometimes and as hurt and mad as I may have been, ya know, with each day...it does get better.  Once you may think you'll never laugh again and guess what...one day you can't stop laughing.  Once you may think that person was the only one for you then you look up one day and you're raising an eyebrow at an attractive person and after a while...looky here, you're loving someone new.  I guess for me the challenge I discuss with my friends is what lessons are learned from these experiences. 

In the middle of heartbreak, the most rational person sounds crazy to you and the craziest ideas and thoughts seem to make sense.  Love can truly knock you down.  For those who have created a life of habit in breaking other's hearts, I beseech you, please find what you want before it's too late. Have some compassion for the feelings of those who love you. Don't just hurt because you feel you can get away with it. Search inside and find that thing or person that causes you to truly love and respect the same in others. One mistake many of us make is allowing a person to cause us to distort our own vision of love and relationships. Don't allow other's inconsideration to be what determines your happiness in the future. Mourn the loss but afterwards, celebrate new beginnings.

I have been through it (heartbreak) enough to know that I can get through it and I tell others, you will get to the other side. We all will if we trust that God will guide us there.

As much as I know heartache, one of the worse feelings is to feel that you may be a part of someone else's heartache. Each night I pray that God give me clarity in my steps even when the world doesn't understand why I make the decisions I make, if i feel God has not left my side then I trust he will catch me if I fall and correct me when I'm wrong. Honestly, I don't know too many people who really think about what they do. They find someone to blame or place fault with others but the truth starts with how honest we all are with ourselves. I am not surprised by people anymore but when I start becoming surprised at myself, it's time to re-evaluate my path. 

To all my friends and those who read this that I may not know, I pray for comfort for your heart. I pray for healing for your soul. I pray for sunshine after your rain. I pray for the next time you smile again. this song has touched me and I hope it touch you also.  May God be with you all.

"I Smile" - Kirk Franklin

http://youtu.be/6OKXpAtX32M

Ladies Love Day!

This is not an official holiday, no, but maybe it should be.  I'm not going to complain here (though it will appear that I am. haha) but every time I turn around I hear a woman speaking negatively about another woman and without cause. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. We have allowed ourselves to has such self doubt that we doubt each other. If I'm sure of myself, I don't feel the need to look at another woman with suspicion but the problem is that this is the world we live in. smh...I think I'm going to set up a day of events for some friends where we hang out, do something fun, have time to talk about life "stuffs" and find great ways to encourage one another instead of finding fault with each other. Being a woman is tough. We should make it tougher for each other.

Yep, Ladies Love Day. I like that.

WELCOME TO THE SECOND INSTALLMENT OF TARA: 30 SOMETHING, SINGLE IN THE CITY AND SOMETIMES DISGUSTED

As I move effortlessly into 2011, I find myself questioning the goals I have set for myself this year.  To question these goal on the 11th day of the 1st month is quite daunting. Granted, I will go through this feeling at least 300 more days this year. Ha, funny thing is that as I type this, I am listening to Jango.com and Richard Smallwood's song "Healing" just came on.  The first line to the song is "Don't be discouraged."

Whatever I was going to write has just transformed into encouragement for those going through something.  This life will challenge us and we all need some kind of healing and as Richard sings in his song, there is a balm in Gilead to heal the soul.

"There's healing for your sorrow;
Healing for your pain;
healing for your spirit and shelter from the rain.
Lord, send a healing.
For this we know, there is a balm in Gilead to heal your soul."

I am encouraged for not only myself but for everyone who longs for change in their lives. We are not blessed according to what we done or even who we are but WHOSE we are.  God's love is so remarkable, unchangeable, unshakable and unmovable.  We try to have a love like this but most times fall short.  Loved ones, there is something in each and everyone of us that reaches for something or someone to give us an indication that we are on the right path for our life.  We are only human and we make mistakes. Anyone willing to condemn someone for being human with a reasonable margin of mistakes don't understand their own level of humanity.  We tend to want to be forgiven but are slow to forgive others and those who say they don't care if someone forgives them is only fooling themselves and have no intentions on extending forgiveness to others.  We forget that even in our pray to the Father, We agree and make a pledge, basically, that God should forgive us as we forgive others.  How many people say that prayer and has yet to forgive someone but expect God to wash away each sin and cast them into the sea of forgetfulness?   Too many, I feel. 

Even more, we tend to forget to forgive ourselves. In my mind, the biggest part of moving past obstacles and finding the ability to accomplish goals and achieve our dreams is to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, our doubts, our weaknesses and anything we think is imperfect about ourselves.  The funniest (hmmmm funny, not haha funny) thing about all of this forgiving and imperfection is that no one walking this earth is perfect. Not one.  So many people fall and stay down without even an attempt to get back up so when someone comes and tries to encourage them to move, stand, start moving, they are so used to being down that they don't understand why anyone would want them to stand and move. Some people don't even know how to stand anymore.  I feel like that is me sometimes but I do know how to stand up. I do know how to move. I learn more and more each day that I am more than my shortcomings. I am more than that thing I called a failure. I am more than the looks I get from people when I think they don't like me. I am more.  I have absolutely no clue what God has in store for me this year.

A few years ago I thought that by 2011 I would be done with school, in a relationship and have my own business.  Well I'm not done with school. I'm not in a relationship. I am restructuring the business I started a few years back so that I can move forward.  I feel God's hand on my life. I don't want to mess up. I feel bad sometimes.  My emotions teeter between knowing and understanding my position and feeling bad for not grasping all He's made available to and for me.  For the latter portion, I forgive myself.  He's granted us one more day. Let's take it and make it what it should be. Be blessed loved ones.


Next time, I'm sure I'll have a story that entertain you with more TARA: 30 SOMETHING, SINGLE IN THE CITY AND DISGUSTED . The disgusted part basically deals with something I have done, haven't done or the general attitude or actions of other crazy people. Should be fun.

MUAH!!!!!

"Shall Old Aquaintance be forgot..."

And we are now in the year 2011 and it is such an awesome place to be. I remember at one time in my life when I was excited and wondered how it would feel to see 1990; then 2000; and now we are in 2011. Loved ones, I am simply grateful for this moment.

Anyone who has been with me over the last few years knows that the last two years or so have been some of the toughest years I have had.  2010 started with a love for someone else and 2011 has started with an undying love for myself. 2010 started with fear and no job and financial struggle. 2011 has started with hopefulness and full time employments that allows me to take care of many things that will help make this year an awesome year. 2010 began with a prayer thanking God for keeping me and asking him to help get me to where He wants to see me. 2011 begins with the same prayer from the same heart and thankful lips.  2010 began with people in my life that, as 2011 begins, are no longer visual in my world. I thank God for their presence but I'm even more grateful for the new people that have become a part of my family.

In 2010, I have had to embrace and release love. I have had to reveal pain so that it may be released and I can forgive others and myself. In 2010, I have embraced change in my lifestyle regarding my health and will continue to do so in 2011. Lessons have taught me to not be as transparent in the new year but never be afraid to expose my heart when it comes to loving someone and to acknowledge when I am hurting so that someone may help catch the tears if I need them but I am praying that any tears falling in 2011 will be from happiness more than pain.

I am embracing my gifts. I am loving my talents. I am feeling my beauty and accepting the beautiful, sensual, loving, intelligent, unbelievable woman I am and I am to be.  I pray anyone who enters my life from this point on will be a part of the plan to develop TRU's positive and caring future. I want to help more people; give more; show more love; dry more tears; teach more and reach more.

I am wishing everyone in my path and peripheral a grand and phenomenal New Year!
It starts now...let's get to work!!!

xoxox...Stay TRU!!!

I have talked too much.

This weekend was spent talking. I feel like I have talked more this weekend than in the last few weeks. Of course, I haven't talked to who I want to talk to but I'm still getting past that. There are so many things I need to do before the end of the year and I'm hoping my emotional side don't shut down my production. Today was hard. Some days  you just can't shake of the feeling or longing to be with or talk to someone. A level of loneliness comes over you. Granted, I live with 4 other people and I have been on the phone with my 2 new friends most of the weekend  but my heart is still alone. I'm trying to figure out how to grasp what I already know; that I am trying to trick myself into letting go of many things that are hanging on to me.

You may think this is just about a guy or something like that and you wouldn't be totally incorrect to assume that but it's me. I have to let go of some of my ideas about my future, myself, my journey, that will stop me from proceeding. The more I think about the changes coming the more nervous I get. Families developing, careers changing, education and me getting my footing with my decisions for the new year.

Health wise, I have been having a difficult time. I'm not sick or anything like that but my focus on my fitness and nutrition has taken a back seat to my emotions. I'm trying. I really am. It's just hard right now. I'll be okay though. Even if I have to convince myself to believe that even though I don't feel it right now. Goodnight.