At some point the pain has to end.

Well, Damn, New Year!

So I have a funky attitude with the new year. It's already January 17, 2018. Where the HELL did all the time go??? lol

In two days, a little boy that I held in my arms, fed, babysat, changed his diaper, watched him grow into a teenage smartass, will be 18 years old. My nephew will be 18 freaking years old. I love that kid. He will be going off to college in the fall and I am pushing him to go to St. Johns in Brooklyn. He has been accepted into I think 3 of the 8 or 9 schools he's applied to. He's waiting to hear back from the others. I'm a little biased and want him to go to New York because that's where I wanted to go in 1992 when I graduated. I have always felt like I belonged in NY and now that I am older I feel like I've wasted most of my adult life being afraid to chase my dream. I have. I don't want him to regret anything. Try. Experience. Win. Lose. Fail BIG (because if you are going to fail, do it big so you can learn as much as you can and be better), Succeed EVEN BIGGER! Work hard. Play Harder!

I want him to make it to my age and see a trail of his living legacy developing and have evidence that he is living life. I, as I stand now, simply exist. Moving forward, I will live without any new regrets but I have so many in the past, they will last for the remainder of this lifetime. He is a young man now and will make his own decisions and now is when we all, his parents and family, release our grip of protection and pray that he has absorbed the knowledge we have all given him to make wise decisions. Knowing he will make mistakes (that's a part of the growth process) we hope he is wise enough to learn from them and make better choices. I'm excited for him and terribly nervous. I don't have children and will not have any but he was the first baby I was able to care for and be a part of their journey, outside of my younger brother who is 10 years younger than I.

I just want to say, this post was not supposed to be about him but since he's on my mind, I shall write. 

Next up is my young niece who I'm pretty sure will end up in NY. She's a dancer. My young nephew of 12 years, I see him in LA at an art school. He's a lil smartass too. He has Asperger's Syndrome so I don't think right now his parents or even he sees himself going away but he is a smart kid and he has family in LA. Then there is the 2-year-old. smh This boy! lol Smart, cute, dramatic tough Gemini of a child. This one had better become an actor or lawyer or something where performance is required or a MMA fighter. That boy is tough as nails. lol He is a trip and a half.


This is my crew. As time goes by, I see them less and less. They become busier and busier. They take longer to text back. Well, my niece does but the 17-year-old is always on his phone so he gets right back to you immediately. lol

I think of how I'm not really close to any of my aunts or uncles simply because we visited them sometimes as kids but we came home to DC. They lived in Virginia, NY, TX, etc. We didn't invest lots of time knowing them as people. Well, I mean outside of knowing they are our aunts and uncles. These four we have, they know us. They grew up seeing us often, being taken care of by us and being chastised by us as well. I guess I don't want to lose that closeness but they are growing up. It's what happens. I'm gonna miss them all as kids. They were pretty great kids. Now they will be amazing adults. Damn, I'm getting old: better but still getting old.

You can't turn back the hands of time but you can ride into the future like a mf boss!!!! They will be amazing. I will be amazing. Since none of my sisters nor I had children, looks like it's on these 4 to keep the legacy going on our end. I have another nephew that I haven't seen in some years since I hear I had another sister. That's a story for another time but I think of him all the time. If I can find him, I'd love to see him. He should know he has other people out here that love him.

Good ole love. I'll be talking shit about it tomorrow. lol. Hey, I'm fickle when it comes to love. It sucks and is a beautiful thing when it wants to be.

Love: the jerk I can't quit. It's a mess. lol

The morning is still with the exception of the fan blowing on my feet and the sound of sheets rustling as I toss and turn underneath them. Wondering if anyone is awake at 5am thinking of me. Somehow, I doubt it. Nothing. That is my attire of choice.  I lie awake feeling my own warmth between the sheets thinking someone, somewhere, is cold and I have both heat and heart to spare but maybe everyone feels fine.  No chills.  No need for an embrace. They are self sufficient or someone else occupies the position of temp regulator. I still lie awake wondering.

I remember a scent and hundreds of memories show up like unexpected friends that you love seeing but can no longer accommodate. My place is smaller now. My heart is smaller.  My storage capacity for new memories has reached its limits. 

Hover Over Me

I believe in love. I know sometimes it may sound like I don't but it is true. I do believe in love. I even believe in love at first sight. Hey, it's possible. I really believe in love at first touch. It is something other worldly, ethereal that happens to the body, mind and soul at once that triggers the kind of love that moves beyond the physical and even beyond wanting that person as your own. It is a love that causes a chemical reaction at the mere thought or mention of their name. It brings you out of yourself and causes you to be privy to your own reaction to this person. This love wraps you when you feel like unraveling because the timing just isn't right or your soul confesses you will never be with them but you experience something so many will never experience. The embrace of a emotional and physical soul mate. I do not mean sexually. I mean when the touch or embrace is enough to bring tears of pain and joy in one moment. It is a current the flows through you no matter how far away they are and it only gets stronger the closer they come to you.

Truthfully, I have known this but once and had to turn from it because of timing. To feel someone so strongly that it weakens you and you lose your breath at the thought of a simple touch of the hand, embrace, a kiss that is both innocent and sinful. Again, not sex. Connection. It is the feeling when two lost people find one another and both want the other to find their way to joy. Apparently, a love like that is damn near impossible to let go of though, sometimes, you simply must.

I spoke of the longing of doing nothing and everything with him again. I tell myself to let it go and not speak of the most intimate experience I've had but my transparency would not allow me to suppress those thoughts, memories, and desires so I confess expecting awkwardness to be returned and because the timing wasn't right, all he could reply was  a solemn "Me, too."

I have read and heard people speak of the aching of another's soul, body, heart, affection, love; knowing now what they means, I sympathize with my own heartache. Never have I confessed to loving him. Never will I, at least not to him.

Some terrain is meant to never be explored.

"I felt it, too." He says to me, not fully understanding what those four minimalist words were doing to my soul. They echoed the fallen tears that cause me strife nightly.

"I felt it, too."

He was not suppose to feel it. Neither was I. The connection that had my head in his lap watching him stare down at me, stroking my cheek and speaking no words but saying every fucking thing my heart needed to hear.

I see YOU.

HE SAW ME.

Over a year and we both can still speak of our feelings of being lost but still saddened yet grateful that our lack of navigation has brought us to one another, though neither of us can accompany one another on the remainder of each other's journeys.

Hi.

He thought he knew her. He thought she was a gentle ghost from his past; a past where the two of them shared a bit more than just a moment in time.

He remembered when they shared and what they shared, what felt like an eternity, in just a few glances.

His start complemented her end and between the two a perfect dance commenced with the objective being clear: we.

He pushed while she pulled, giving them both the strength to move mountains. Together, they moved MOUNTAINS.

When the back roads became impassable, they took flight and made their path easy. Though not the easiest of tasks, they, together, dominated the ideas of challenge and difficulty so that what they had would standout from the mirrored image of everyone else's mediocrity.

They were extraordinary.

They were not as everyone else; complacently waiting for life to happen.

With each extension of a hand, life returned to them and made itself bigger.

He looked into her eyes and saw love and illusions.

Cradled  in her bosom where the secrets of what he thought he knew but did not have the heart to ask.

Was she real?

She seemed real.
Her scent enticed every sensation he remembered he had.
To look upon her gave his heart a satisfaction no other could comprehend.
To hear her laughter sent waves of electricity to every limb and overwhelmed him with a delight that fancied that of the pure joy of life.
To taste a kiss so sweet, heaven sighs and lies back to marvel in its genuine beauty and wonder.
To feel the caress of a wanting love; becoming breathless at the thought of standing face to face in anticipation of a united effort of affection.

He needed to know.

Was she real?

It felt like days; weeks; months, endless time that he stared at what seemed familiar and he wondered "How can legs take steps that the heart refuses to?"

In one moment, he remembered everything he believed to be real. A lifetime of echoed laughter down haunted corridors reminding him of the pursuit of love. He remembered the feeling of dissolving into someone else's caress in his net of safety and feeling the world disappear around him.

He wondered was he the lost one; wandering around hoping to find someone familiar.

He wondered but he couldn't take his eyes away as she walked up to him.

"Hi."

i feel me changing
i try to tell myself "don't do that. don't touch your head. don't touch your face. be calm. don't shake. don't twitch. don't let people see you falling a part. they will call you 'insane' and they may be right."

maybe it's my penalty. i tried to leave. i wanted to but i couldn't

maybe it is my penance that i slowly see myself disappear into darkness.

i tried. i did try. i cried out for help and saw more emptiness. i try with what i know because i can still see myself but feel me fading. i can't focus. it has become involuntary, these movements that let the world know that something isn't right. it feels like being paralyzed on a train track as the train approaches.

i tried to leave. i called for him but everything was quiet. i wanted to be yellow again but i'm purple and stuck. i see the lightening but i was trying to get back to yellow but i'm purple. there is no more normal.

if i keep writing, maybe i will remember.

i don't remember her. i don't remember me. if i stop moving, maybe the quiet will calm me.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know...

The trouble with having a soft heart

I saw myself floating away
I saw myself stuck in a space of paralyzed fear; too scared to reach out to me
The me left behind with glassy-eyed sadness of regret from a life laden in harsh emotion
I could no longer reach me
I can no longer be me
I wept because I cared
I weep because she didn't
She never knew the love she deserved because it never appeared
Not even to a child that never felt the embrace of true compassion

now as she departs, all that's left is a tear with her universe inside
falling to become a part of the memory of existence
she will never touch it again
I can never touch it again
feeling the memories burning through the fabric of a tortured heart
I want to turn my head one last time to remember that she/I/we did exist
if no one ever speaks of us again
We know we were here
and we wanted to love
and be love
but only one of those things happened
so now we drift into the void