When the weight of your world gets too heavy

(Forgive any typos. I'm rather sleepy. lol)

Sometimes, our souls are troubled by many different things that could potentially trigger anxiety, depression, anger, hopelessness, helplessness and an overall feeling of being lost. I am not stranger to this list of emotional strongholds. The love lesson for today is become familiar with those strongholds so they will not scare you into withdrawing from life.

I don't intend to fall in love with these things that draw me closer to fear and anguish because I have found when you fall in love with those things, you may do or say certain things to make sure that sure that thing you love stays around. I will, however, admonish you to get to know them intimately so that you are aware of the character that comes along with these emotions and how you can best address how they affect you from day to day.

We (the collective "we" that deal with emotional distress from day to day) tend to romanticize these things in our lives that hold us back from realizing our true selves and the strength that may be hidden from plain sight. We hold the sadness, caress the bitterness, kiss the loneliness, massage the fear; until these things are so comfortable to us that we embrace the things that may very well cause our consciousness and delicate psyche to collapse under the undue pressures. Some of us actually have conversations with ourselves whereby we continue to reiterate those false perceptions of who we are and our very worth.

Oh you don't talk to yourself??? That would make you crazy??? Think about that the next time you have a decision to make and you are going over in your head, the pros and cons or the decision, and decide if you are crazy. You aren't. Everyone consults with themselves but if you are someone who really doesn't have a large or even a small network of people to consult, confer, or even vent with, you only have yourself sometimes and that's not necessarily bad. I can't tell you how many self counseling sessions I've had. I'm pretty good. lol

Unfortunately, we are not all equipped to identify the swirling chaos of our emotions. Women, and yes men, and children have to deal with troubling emotions and how to deal with them in a way that doesn't overwhelm your heart, spirit and mind. It's tough because when you are in the thick of feeling the weight of your emotions, those feelings have a tendency to override what you know about yourself, your strength, your faith, you ability to overcome the obstacles, your beauty, worth and resolve to get beyond that moment of strong emotion.

I'm not a therapist. NOPE. Not at all. I've been told I should be one but my heart is so empathetic I'm not sure I can handle it. This isn't doubt in my ability. It's me knowing that I feel way too strongly to hear so many heartbreaking stories. If I could get beyond my own level of emotions I'm sure I can help others. I already do but, I don't know. Not sure how to finish that sentence. lol

What I was about to say was that I'm not a therapist but I have learned a lot about how I handle life, depression, stress, anger, frustration and a myriad of emotions I encounter. Maybe my method is too simplified for some who want the pomp and circumstances of "Look at my problems" but I don't roll like that. I may even be called boring because I have become very thoughtful before I commit to an action or decide to just say what's on my mind. Many people go the "I'll say what I want. If you don't like it, so what" route and though I do say pretty much what I want, I still have a self standard of how I like to be and like to be perceived. It's honest and not I don't tell everyone everything but I'm an open book, pretty much, but some chapters are reserved for only a few.

Got off topic again. Back to the methods of dealing with my personal cyclone of emotions.

I have mentioned before about my introduction to mindfulness and how it has helped me to pinpoint how I'm feeling moment by moment. Over the last year, the mindfulness meditation and techniques have been pretty great but I have to go a step further in evaluation what happens when I feel the weight of life barreling down on me.

This is the moment of transparency:

This week began with me on the way to work and I knew I wasn't feeling myself. I'd had a wonderful weekend but Sunday I began mentally evaluating all the things I needed, wanted and have not been able to do. Going to bed Sunday was okay but when I awaken to feelings of hopelessness, those feelings, over the course of the day, invited more and more emotions to pile on and take up residence in my heart. Needless to say, when I arrived at work I was not able to speak. Literally, I couldn't talk and when I attempted to all I could do was cry. I removed myself from my work area and went to work someone where it would only be me; tucked away in a corner of the building where if I needed to cry, no one would see me and yes, I cried. A LOT!!!!

I'm going to share 5 reasons I felt that way and 5 ways I was able to identify what was wrong and how I was able to come out of such a heavy tornado of troublesome feelings. Mind you, I'm not 100% but I can see clearer today than I could Monday morning.

Why did I feel so heavy?

1. Simply put, life hurts: The only way I can explain that is that when you sit and think of what your life is vs. what you wanted your life to be, it can be sobering if you haven't achieved your goals. Each thought shakes our more thoughts eventually leading you analyze every decision you have every made that resulted in you being in this place. This train of thought can truly bring devastation to your mental state no matter how "okay" you thought you felt. 
2. Feelings of rejection: Some of us lead pretty solitary lives. Some by choice and some because we feel pushed into being alone. You may not mind it and sometimes you may even prefer being on your own all the time but there may be moments when you look around and no one is there. You know people but you just don't know if you can reach out to them because you feel like you will be a bother or they don't feel about  you what you would like them to, be it family, friends, or romantic interests, so you retreat and in your mind decide that for all the times you have reached out and no one reached back for  you, that no one will ever reach back. This may not be true but by now, you have convinced yourself there is no one who is for you. This is a terrible place to be in because so many people feel this way and the outcome of feeling this way could be tragic. The hope is that it will not get you to a tragic place but a place where what you know truly outweighs how you feel. 
3. Confusion: You see yourself and where you are and you don't like what you see but you don't know how to not be where you are. All of your plans have led you to this place of emptiness and you may begin to feel like "Damn. Maybe I don't know what's best for me." You feel like someone who gets to a 10 way intersection (I've never seen this but I've felt it. smh) and you just sit in the middle of the road with no directions, not maps or GPS to tell you which way to go. Any road may be the wrong way. Any road may be the right way. You simply don't know so you stand still. Afraid. 
4. You don't feel like you belong: Every component of life has a certain level of conformity. Even those who say they are unique and do what they want, look at them and see if you don't start seeing a pattern of conformity in what being unique is suppose to look or act like. If you act and look like all the other "unique" people, are you really "unique"? You actually will not find many stand alone unique people in this world without finding someone else who are pretty close to being their double. But as for you, your home, work, friends, church, wherever, you sit and look around you and you just don't feel a part of that world. How do you find where you belong? Do you belong anywhere? What does this "belonging" even means? It's a feeling of being somewhere where you can un-apologetically be comfortable with being and expressing yourself without barriers or labels.  
5. How you feel about yourself: We have a movement all over the world about loving yourself and the skin you're in and all that jazz. I mean, I totally agree. I don't want it to sound like I don't. However, people say "love yourself" without telling so many people "how" to love yourself. Consider living a life being rejected, being told you're not good enough (either by the words or actions of others), seeing what everyone around you calls beautiful, sexy, acceptable, likable, pretty, smart, worthy of their attention, and never feeling like you've been accepted in that approved world. Imagine being used only for what others want and never really being considered for who you are and what lies within your heart, mind and spirit because others can only see the parts of you they want to extract for themselves. Imagine sitting alone and not feeling like you have anything anyone wants. So many people feel this way every single day and it's heart breaking to me to know that I haven't a clue who feels that way and how I can help. When I have felt that way, even if I knew someone would listen, the ability to call or tell someone, my fear just wouldn't not let me reach out. 

So, those are only 5 things that may cause people to sink into themselves and not know how to come out of it. Let me say that these are 5 things that I've dealt with. So let's now explore to the 5 things that helped me get up ("Up" refers to not being in that sad, depressed sinking place; to be happy and or feel no anxiety or overwhelming stress about life). 

1. Acknowledging how  you feel at the moment you feel the destructive feelings: Over the last year, I have been using mindfulness techniques to be very open and honest with myself about how I'm feeling moment by moment. I'm not sitting around all day saying "this moment I feel this..." and "this moment I feel that..." but periodically, my mindfulness bell will chime on my phone (I admonish you to download one for yourself. It's great!) and I just stop and assess how I feel and why I feel this way. It keeps things in perspective that our feelings and thoughts change moment by moment so this technique de-escalates the intensity of emotion when you can break it down to it's core. Your may actually find that you are stressing for nothing or that you can actually handle a situation once you have broken down why it's bothering you so much.
2. Have someone you trust that you can call on at any time for help: Don't be afraid to ask someone to be there for you. We cannot navigate this life alone and when you feel like you do, you need someone who you can reach out to and they will stop what they are doing to help. This isn't to say that you need popcorn for your movie and you call them and they are suppose to stop what they are doing to come bring you some. smh foolishness. lol But they are the call when your internal alarm goes off telling you you are not okay. This is one of the most important tips I can give anyone. Some people vent all the time therefore they have a constant audience to hear them and give them their "woo woo woo" moments. Most of us don't have that, especially if you're more introverted, private or just don't have many people you are close to. Some of us are very deliberate in whom we choose to seek out for help. Find someone. It is not weakness to ask for help. Real strength is reaching out during your weakness. 
3. Have a phrase that someone will know what it means when you start having intense feelings: I didn't even know I had a phrase until I used it and it was the only thing I could say. Monday I was so heavy and tears flowed so heavily that I could barely see and all I could text were 5 words: "I feel like I'm falling". The other person immediately knew what was happening and responded immediately. Sounds too simple, right?  Not really or maybe so but there is a feeling that only you have when things get tough and there are specific words that nay convey what that feeling feels like or mean to you in that moment. The phrase could be anything. In the past, I have used phrases like 'My life hurts", "I feel lost", "I feel stuck", "I don't know what to do", etc. To describe how I felt. What all of this means is when you feel great, you have to remember to discuss your low times with someone so that they know when you're not feeling great. The thing people don't know about depression is that even when you are "UP", everything feels great and you're smiling and laughing, you are still working very hard not to fall. This is why it's important to be transparent with someone who you can say "Yes, I'm good but the last time was really bad. I don't want to feel that way. I need you to help me stay up and help me if I fall so I won't stay down." It's not always that easy but it's a start.  
4. Every day, spend time with yourself doing something that makes you happy: I have a secret. Don't tell anyone. I like bubbles. lol Yep. I didn't realize how much I did until I left my last job and someone gifted me with a pink plastic microphone filled with bubble liquid. Mind you, the labels says "3+". That means for ages 3 years and up. I'm am "and up". lolol It's crazy, yes. It's childish, yes. It's silly, yes, but for just a few minutes every once in a while I take it out and blow bubbles. The colors of the light through the bubbles and the freedom they have to go wherever they choose relaxes me. I'm not nuts. I just like bubbles. Find something random that you love that will make everyone else say "That's nuts." but you don't care what they think. Okay, let's be clear; nothing illegal (that should cover lots of basis), nothing that will endanger anyone, nothing destructive. Make it something positive and fun. Okay, let's be clear; fun but ...anyway. lol
5. Knowing that this feeling is only for a moment and will pass: When we are in the thick of feeling these heavy emotions, they can make us feel like they are the strongest things in this world and nothing will ever get them to subside but trust me, even if those feeling last for a while, they WILL subside. Trust what you know and that these feelings are not necessarily truth. Feelings are really emotional reactions to a perception you have about something. Sometimes there is truth in what you feel but it's important to remember the things you know to be true and keep telling yourself that when you start to have strong emotional reactions to situations. Pay attention to the physical reactions to your emotions as well. Some emotions are triggered by certain circumstances or situations, which in turn, trigger very specific physical reactions in your body. Pay attention to them because many times if you miss identifying the triggers to the emotions, you can pick up on recurring physical reactions and knowing what they are can help you calm yourself and sort of itemize what's bothering you so you can get these feeling under control one by one instead of being flooded with thoughts and emotions that are coming too fast and furiously. By the time you are overcome with every feeling and thought at once, you feel helpless by the mound of worry that you don't know what to do.  

One last thing I didn't add to the list above was this: Know where your strength comes from. Your faith is important. It helps you to draw strength from source greater than you. God's love permeates through me and I have been among many who have cried out and asked "God, why have you left me alone?" I have been discourages and lost and sometimes, even at you lowest points you have to recall all those blessings that came just when you were about to give up and even the times what you thought you needed didn't show up but you turned out to be blessed even more because you endured the storm. Many of us want the storm to go away or to never come but beloved, every storm you face and conquer prepares you for the next storm that may not seem so daunting. Don't give up your faith. It may be the very thing that keeps your sanity in place. My faith is in the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Where does is your faith? 

Again, I AM NOT A THERAPIST.

I'm just a woman who, sometimes, feel the weight of her own world and the world around her come crashing down and I'm just trying to find ways to stay afloat. No matter how much we advance in life, our world gets bigger and bigger and sometimes we feel dwarfed in comparison.  I'm not brave. I don't have a formula that is perfect for solving problems. I cry a lot but I laugh even more. I do feel lonely. I do feel neglected. I do feel like I'm traveling this life without navigation BUT... I KNOW that those are only feelings. Strong feelings but feelings all the same. 

They will pass. I hope yours will pass as well. 

B@PEACE. 

PS. Sorry. Apparently, I just really needed to write tonight. :) love you lots! 

Hush

No matter how many times someone tells you "It can always be worse", that doesn't help the pain you presently feel.

Some people should just say "I don't know what to say" because CLEARLY...they don't know what to say to a person suffering with internal struggles.

In defiance to what I'm told love is

He left me feeling slightly rejected
Infected by his contagious smile
While never knowing how to love freely a man that would walk away
Dismay encroaches upon my need to be loved by him
Swim towards an empty sea that once showed promise and purpose
Surplus emotions color my affections for him
Dim the lights to see how close we can be but he disappears again and once more
Core essence of a fabricated love that has no real existence
Resistance is where my love lies now
How do I breathe without lungs
Hung my head when I thought about how much he didn't want me
He didn't know me
He didn't love me
He could have if he truly knew the depth of what I held for him

Still hold for him but I am rejected
But I keep walking because I'm told to believe I'm beautiful regardless, yet no one will look into my eyes
I'm told to believe I'm beautiful even though all of them pass me by because after all

I AM INVISIBLY BEAUTIFUL
How do you go on when nobody, not even the nobody, wants you

Why bother mourning something you may never have again

I'm angry.

I am angry. I have not been able to sleep the last several nights so I'm exhausted but now I'm just angry. Some people who are still very detached from the race relations debacle we are experiencing in this company don't get why we, as a black community, are so outraged.

We are so angry because we are scared and there is no one willing to protect us from the people who are suppose to protect us, too. We are terrified because we have to wake up everyday and wonder will we make it to our destinations outside of a body bag. We are mortified to think that our brothers, sons, fathers, husbands and friends are considered disposable. We are petrified that we will come home and our loved ones won't or we will see the barrel of a gun as our last image in this life.

We are angry because in 2016, and with the escalation of the execution and publicly televised genocide that is happening, we are still at a loss as to how to find a resolution to this mess. One group's retaliation turns into an all out war on all sides. There are no winners in this fight. There is something more behind all of this that isn't being said but I believe it is very political, strategic and purposeful.

I have cried so much today and I don't feel like it will stop anytime soon.

My colleague came to talk with me today because she didn't know how to feel in an office of people who are not affected directly by these injustices so we had to seek each other out for comfort and understanding and they will say we segregate ourselves. Can you blame us? If you don't care, we have to care for ourselves.

My prayer is that everyone leaves and comes back home alive and well.

I hope that we do not remain silent.

I hope that we will realize that our petty difference are no match for the the overall televised genocide of our people.

The revolution will lead to a resolution but first...

When you've just had enough.

Have you ever felt that calm rage that bordered between "I'm good. I'm peaceful. I'll be alright." and "Damn it! One more word and Imma start throwing shit at everyone"? lol

That's been my weekend. I have to acknowledge my anger and frustration so that I can find a way to let go of it. I could air some major dirty laundry but if you know me, you know that's not how I roll.

I have been doing really well lately, at purging unneeded things from my life and unfortunately, sometimes you have to purge the people around you as well. Some may have seemed like friends at some point, some are family that will NEVER change because they don't see the need to change, and some are people who can't, no, WON'T acknowledge right from wrong and will choose to turn a blind eye because they don't have the courage to call people out on their bullshit.

Most situations fall in a gray area where you can't really say there's a right or wrong then there are some very black and white situations.

Guilt. It's an amazing thing. Some people are so guilty and know they are but they will refuse to acknowledge their behavior, in turn, attempting to place their very character on someone else as if they, themselves were some sort of victim.

I will never say I hate someone. Well, there is one person that I don't think I'd be upset if they dropped of the face of the earth but that's another story.

I will say, however, the opportunity often presents itself for people to correct mistakes, bad behavior or even just move beyond some bullshit they may have done without cause or justification but they don't either understand that or care to resolve their self created issues. I get that people CAN change or that, sure, you may have arguments with others but the attitude and character is the distinguishing factor in whether or not people can resolve issues. Some people can't resolve issues because they never acknowledge that they have done anything wrong or made any mistakes. For me, the days of not acknowledging wrong doing are over. When you just don't acknowledge wrongdoing or even make an attempt to apologize for shit that you do to people, you expect the other party to just forgive or forget until you're ready to dick them over again.

Yeah. That shit doesn't fly anymore. I'm usually a no nonsense person but I'm always up for reconciliation. Even if I don't trust you like I use to or want to hang out with you, I can still be cordial and move beyond any issue. Unfortunately, again, some things you just don't fully recover from but you let go so that you can move towards happiness.

Here's is the basis of my rant tonight. This is not a love letter but it helps to move me back to a place where love is a priority and not feeling like I want to punch a hole in a wall; and by wall I mean face.

Either I'm truly oblivious to a part of my character that is apparently a terrible person who is extra confrontational, unloving, arrogant, hypocritical and delusional or I have some people around me who hold those characteristics and are in such denial that they will place those characteristics on me and portray themselves as angels and victims. Many of these people are blood relatives. I don't use the word family because they are not.

When I get to a point when I have to say "I don't like you. I don't want anything to do with  you. I'm done with this dysfunction and if you are going to remain toxic, I can't deal with you.", I really need to distance myself from these people. Some people are detrimental to your happiness because they don't know what happiness is OR dysfunction, for them, IS happiness. Yeah, I can't live that way.

Have you ever notice when you are moving closer towards inner peace, someone comes along and tries to rattle you and throw you off your path. Please stay on your path of peacefulness and mindfulness. There is a reason you have been growing closer to love and inner acknowledgement of needing love, wanting love and being a vessel to display and accept love. You deserve to find a level of happiness that isn't always penetrated by someone else's unhappiness or personal rage that spills over into your life. Some people are so angry at your happiness that they will do whatever it takes to provoke you to step out of it and into their misery. This is what they do. Many of these people are in so much denial that they manage to convince other people that they are someone they clearly are not. The worst is that people cosign on their bullshit and they keep believing their own lie as if they didn't know that they were spewing lies.

Honestly, it's exhausting. lol

There are also people who have always found a way to distance themselves from me, through their actions, then turn around and claim I created the distance. I can't focus on cultivating relationships with these people because they live in cycle that keeps repeating itself. I can't continue waiting to see when the other shoe is going to drop and wait to be treated like shit again. No one wants to say "I was wrong." They love to start with "Well, you..." Not ever acknowledging their character that is questionable.

I am very transparent or at least I try to be. I try to be completely aware of my character (flaws and all), when I react to certain situation and if my reactions are reasonable or if I have reacted in such a way that adds to the negativity. I hate feeling like I'm a victim so I try not to act like I am but I will say this.

I have feelings. SURPRISE!!! I care, aLOT, and I probably care too much. I feel that part of me shifting. I'm willing to let go of people who decides I'm not worthy of their love, respect or care. I can't fool with these complicated conditional relationships because I've tried to be a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, girl friend, etc. I have never been perfect. I don't know everything. I have been accused of thinking I was both perfect and know everything but I'm learning that when people say that about you, many times, they are probably mad because they were right about them. lol. People are funny; ha ha and otherwise. If you can't even be honest with yourself, you sure as hell can't be honest with me or anyone.

Anyway, I'll conclude with this. Loving someone is not about agreeing with them every day. Loving someone is not about them agreeing with you or supporting your bad behavior or choices. Love is suppose to be unconditional but the truth is there are many conditions behind why we choose to love.

I simply don't know how I can love people who hurt you, threaten you, try to antagonize you, lies about you, try to convince others to hate you, allows others to convince them to treat you differently, etc. I don't want to understand people who set out to make themselves look better by making you look bad. Negative to the core, I can't love that. This includes family and people who once called me "friend". I have always left the door open for reconciliation but that door has closed. That's a very hard thing to confess because I'm not sure if it's derived from emotion or many years of considering how I have let others affect me or mistreat me.

I am dedicated to having a loving spirit. I confess that I'm having a problem with that right now. I don't trust people. I don't believe in some people. I don't believe some people have my best interest at heart. I don't know if distance makes the heart grow fonder because that hasn't been true for me yet but I feel the time is drawing closer where I will be making some changes and may not stay here.

Seattle is looking better and better.

Wherever I go, I'll take love with me.

SMILE! Someone may be watching.

In advance; please forgive any typos. I typed pretty face and my review was skimming, at best. smh
Please feel free to share this blog and leave comments. I'd love to hear from you. Be nice, though. :)

SMILE! Someone may be watching. 

Never fear what will happen if you try. Fear what will happen if you never try."

~Tru Essence

Okay, so I don't know. I'm sure people have said this before but until I see who has said it, I'm saying it. (^~^)

I had a friend send me a Facebook inbox message the other day that not only surprised me but it made my entire day. What made it even better is even though we haven't really connected in any other meaningful way other than status updates and "likes" and comments, our conversation was one of real love and sisterhood that went beyond just a simple "Hello". Some times we aren't sure if we make an impact in anyone's life and some people who intentionally try to be the "everything" so that they can say what they have done for people, will never know how it truly feels to have your words effortlessly impact someone in a way that has them in tears, which in turn, has you in tears because you have such a love for life and someone else "gets it".

I won't get into the meat of the conversation on this post but I will write a little more about it in a later post. Our conversation did get me to thinking about how we outwardly display love so that people can see and feel secure in knowing your intentions as a friend, family or just as another person wanting to be happy on this planet. There is so much to be miserable about in our society because it seems each day, the tragedies increase and they are moving fast and furiously. There is, however, so much to celebrate and be grateful for. I have chosen (because, yes, you have to choose) to be happy. PERIOD.

With all the tests, struggles, disappointments, hurts, confusion and chaos that has tailed me each step of my journey in life, I have decided, through no real defining superpower of my own, that I want to be happy. PERIOD. Well, let me clarify. I want real pure unadulterated joy! Having joy doesn't mean I will never be unhappy. It means that despite a momentary feeling of sadness, I can call on the internal and eternal joy that will remind me of how wonderful it is to be happy. The biggest part of my newest lesson in love and life is that 100 people can surround you and be miserable but I can still have joy. I can not, and will not, allow others who are miserable in their lives to determine my emotional fate.

I hear people complain about everything on a regular basis and in the past, I would have taken on the same contrite spirit of misery and self dismay. I'm not sure I can adequately express how wonderful it has been to be active and present in determining my own happiness.  My confession is that before, even when I was "Happy", there was a real effort being made in the background for me not to fall into a depression and each day I felt fine, even great, it felt like it was message coming through on a background frequency, as a low murmur, that was always saying "Stay up. Stay up. You could fall any minute. Stay up."

That's the unseen battle with depression some people don't understand but the more I focus on mindfulness and living in and for the present, the less I hear any background noise of doubt and sadness.  No. 'Life for me ain't been no crystal stairs' and it still isn't but struggles I dealt with, just months ago, have not been so paralyzing as they would have been before. I'm so happy I can take moments and evaluate where I am and how I feel about the very moment and walk away knowing, good or bad, the moment is what it is and it will pass in just a moment.

It may sound corny but when I evaluate my moments, I ask myself the following questions:

1. How am I feeling right at this moment?
2. What or who contributed to me feeling this way?
3. Why do I feel this way? 
4. Is it possible that I am overreacting or over thinking the situation or someone's remarks or actions?
5. Can I change the situation or the person involved?
6. Is this something that will cause me to have long term stress?
7. How can I let go of it?
8. Will it kill me to let it go and move on right now?
9. Should I have ice cream for dinner???

See? It's a process. lol

The thing is, THIS has helped me to be transparent with myself and others. If I'm upset, I say "I'm upset." If I want to laugh, I burst into laughter. If I want to cry, the tears fall and if I want ice cream for dinner, I remember what my trainer said and get a salad. 

Hey, can't have my way all the time. 

To wrap up, I'm learning how much I love getting to know myself. Paying attention to my body signals in certain situations has helped me pinpoint and target what may cause me to feel certain feelings and think certain thoughts in specific situations. I have learned that I don't like complaining and being around people who do. We can have our moments to vent but vent and let it be done. 

I have learned that I would rather be alone than in a bad situation with someone or others who really don't have my best interest at heart. That's not to say you don't miss the friendships, laughter, love and affection. It means that you can love life and be happy engaging life one on one and after a while, others who feel the same will follow suit.  I don't know if I motivate anyone to do anything because I'm still working to motivate myself but if I can motivate people to live life completely, like a child who has never been told "No" and be happy, I hope to do that. I leave you with this: never let the people around you keep you from being happy. Be happy despite what they will say or do. People will draw you into their daily suffering and misery if you let them. Don't let them. 

I can't change yesterday. I have no clue what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

For today, I live...HAPPILY!!!

B@PEACE. 

some days...

"Some Days, Some Nights 
Some Live, Some Die 
In The Way Of The Samurai 
Some Fight, Some Bleed 
Sun Up To Sun Down 
The Sons Of A Battlecry"