I'm alright. Thanks for askin'.
Well, the truth is I'm not that alright. I'm trying to be. Actually, I'm pretty tired of trying to be okay. Forgive me if this seems a little down in the mouth but that's the point of this blog. Honesty in emotion, love, life and everyday beauty or crap that affects us or me rather. I think "us" because by an extension of our essences I believe we all are intertwined via spirit and emotion on this physical plane.
I have the blogs for my writing and the entertainment and style but this one is for the purpose to release what's inside about love and life. Sometimes, it's more than I care to share. Sometimes, it's more than others care to read or hear. Sometimes, it's simply self therapy since I don't have the money to hire a counselor. Sometimes, it's just a series of statements that I know no one will or wants to acknowledge; questions no one will or wants to answer. Some may see this as venting; others as complaining. Some may feel many different ways about it but none of that matters. The only thing that matters is how I feel when I place the last punctuation mark behind the last word and hit the "publish" button.
Simply put,
I write because someone else feels how I feel sometimes or knows someone who's going through a difficult time and they don't always know how to communicate what's wrong or how they feel. A lot of people don't even know why they feel the way they do. All they know is that they feel. Intensely feel.
I sat today. For a while, with just my earbuds in my ears, I sat and listened. With certain songs on repeat, stared at the ceiling. In spurts, visions flashed in my mind of almost every event in my life. Those events, remembered and forgotten, all danced together as if they knew one another. They introduced themselves to my dreams, remembered and forgotten, new and old; amusing my memories. In every flash of something slightly familiar I felt like I wanted to grab onto them and examine each one to find a valid reason why I feel how I do; why I am how I am and when would I stop feeling this way. Time after time, each memory slipped through my fingers as water in a torrential downpour.
Can you catch the rain and hold it with only your open palm?
I had a dream last night. A love gone by was there as were some friends I rarely see but the most important part of the dream was the group of what looked like a parade of voodoo priests and priestesses marching through the streets of what looked like a university during some sort of school celebration that turned into something scary and dark. My friend and I, with her younger sister, just took off running and running so we could get away from the chaos. I don't know. At some point, on the way to my friend's house and during all the chaos, I needed to stop at Target to get a coat because I was cold.
SMH
Dreams; plain ole cray cray.
I don't believe every dream has some deep msg that is meant to change your life or warn you of something. Some dreams are just dreams but because of all I've been going through, I feel this one speaks to the darkness and the light that are battling inside or what it appears to be the detachment from my spiritual self. Spiritually, I've been torn for the last several months. When there is a riff in your belief system, that is the point where other more sinister ideologies may creep in. Maybe they aren't sinister more than they are just idea to help you question what you firmly believe or if there is a hybrid belief system brewing in you that really doesn't speak to the words people have told you about God or anything else. Maybe at some moment every experience you've lived is validated by God in its genuine spiritual knowledge and you develop a true relationship with THE entity that rules the universe and they give you truth; not as man has written but as it is.
Ooooor maybe I just need to stop stressing over things I can't control.
I don't know. Solitude, for me, only brings more questions. Maybe if I write a book of questions, someone will write the book of answers.
I'll write about love but I feel each day the idea and meanings for love move farther away from me. At this moment, this very moment in my life, I am not sure I can take another blow. I'm kinda lying on the ground now so the next step, if I take another hit, will be for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I'm not sure I'd mind.
Sounds depressing but I think it's just that sometimes, some of us try so much and so hard to the point that we don't know how to try anymore. Some view it as giving up but I don't see it that way. I see it as I simply can't lift my arms to be pulled up anymore. Sounds lazy doesn't it? smh
Well, with all that's in me, I continue. If I have to just sit for the rest of the day, I will. I'm not equipped for this world and it has expressed to me that it has no faith in me either.
I'm going to punch the world in the fucking face.
With love...smh
peace y'all.
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