Enduring Your Weeping Hours

One of the loneliest and heaviest feelings I have ever experienced, by far, has been the overwhelming outpouring of tears through swollen eyelids, hurting head, heavy heart and hopeless emotions. Tonight, I don't have a heavy heart and I am not crying but I'm reflecting on past moments I have been terribly broken and I think of others who, in a single moment, can't handle pressure and break down. It could be a traumatic occurrence or something that is eating away at you in your daily life that causes such an emotional reaction. I was once asked "How do you prevent yourself from getting depressed?"  My reply, "I can't. I can, however, pray and begin to identify the triggers for depression when I'm not in a depressed state.  For me, it's more about the reaction to a sadness that can either send you spiraling into a depression or allow you to push through it, all the while acknowledging how you feel." There are no two people that handle depression the same but you can find a way to not be swallowed up by it. 

The last few days, I have been overcome with an need to improve, not just my way of life but my way of thinking about myself.  I'm not self-loathing or anything but many times I have felt like I'd been dealt a horrible hand in life and not just physically but emotionally.

I look at my face, my body, my hair and other things that I wish were so much different and I feel like the world is looking at me and hoping I'd go away.  It's hard when there is a standard of beauty or success that depends on how others view you.  The bad part is we take how we think others see us and infuse that into our thoughts about ourselves.  When you spend so much time feeling awkward about yourself, any and every other issue that comes your way is amplified because your emotions and self image are already delicate. 

Personally, I have learned that this version of Tru is what I have.  I can't make myself anyone else and I don't want to.  I have spent so much time wondering if I'm lovable that I forgot to answer my own question by loving myself. The people in the world who seek others because they feel I'm not good enough to love, accept or I don't fit into the kind of friend, partner, employee that they want have the right to seek another but it's how you handle the rejection that sends you into the depth of depression, if you allow it.  This weekend I have been watching many health documentaries and there was a doctor in one of the documentaries who said she tells her patients to look in the mirror every day and say this following affirmation: 

                        "I accept myself unconditionally, right now."

 I love this because when you start to appreciate you and the path you are one, you can start to reorganize your thoughts and emotion which ultimately leads to you revamping how you think of your journey forward and those that may or may not accompany you on your journey.  Some of us may walk the road alone but always accept yourself unconditionally as you are at this moment. That doesn't mean you don't want change and you will never get sad again but these little tips may just help you endure those weeping hours; one affirmation at a time.

You are strong.  You are beautiful. You are exactly who you are suppose to be right now and for everyone who turns away from you, there is someone coming towards you. Don't be afraid to accept yourself.  

Honesty.

Most times, when we speak of honesty, we speak of being honest with someone else regarding an uncomfortable topic that could potentially result in the other's dissatisfaction with our feelings, opinion or the pointing out of a denied fact.

Today, however, I am writing about honesty with one's own self. Realizing there has been a lapse in what you have allowed yourself to believe or deny is such a challenge for the average person but when you have to believe or deny facts about yourself, there lies the biggest challenge. No one wants to confess that they are flawed unless they are already self loathing or have a low self image but when you think you have it all together, how do you handle the fact that you aren't as together as you thought you were?

The first way to deal with understanding the truth about yourself is to know that you are human and can and/or will succumb to the same problems, obstacles, challenges, temptations, and vices that causes many people to fall.  Humanity, in its most basic definition, is flawed and that's why we can identify with one another with empathy. There is no perfect human because there will always be a level or skill or understanding that humans will not ever reach. Perfection is subjective therefore, there can never be a central control room that holds the perfect perfection formula for humanity.  People will fall. People will be wrong.  People will choose the wrong thing. People will dislike. People will argue. People will be tempted and people will give into some temptations.  In fact, some people will tell you that they love, what some consider, flaws. How can perfect people appreciate imperfection?  Is that even possible?

The second way to deal with understanding the truth about yourself is to stop expecting others to be perfect or understand you without knowing the depths of who you are.  For example, when we are relationships, we get upset if our significant other is not understanding enough or attentive enough about a particular situation that we have yet to communicate with them about. We also look for them to never mess up or never disagree and when the uncomfortable moment comes where we have to look at them in the eyes and disagree, before wanting to deal with that moment, many people just give up because they don't want to work at being transparent in front of someone. If you want relationship of nothing but happy times and agreement, you aren't being honest with yourself.

Another way to deal with being honest with yourself is acknowledging that sometimes you will have to alter your vision and your plans.  Whether it's a relationship that you can't bear to walk away from or if it's a career path that you decide isn't right for you.  Nothing about relationships or personal objectives are written in stone; unless, of course, you actually write it in stone and if that's the case...REALLY?  Thing change and people change and after chasing a goal for years or loving someone for a long time, you may realize that where you are in your life now isn't where you were when those relationships began.  There is nothing wrong with changing course as long as you change for the better.  Don't throw a relationship or goal away because it's difficult.  Alter how you approach your objectives and you may find a better way to deal with whatever obstacles you have without casualties.

The heart is a tricky thing.  We long for love and success and our emotions become addicted to that warm fond feeling of loving someone and having that love returned. In fact, some people are addicted to expressing love even when the other party has, in so many way, shown, expressed, or proven that they are not on the same wavelength you are when it comes to love and affection. Being honest with yourself may require you to look at your situation through someone else's eyes to point out thing that you have glazed over because you are sooooo in love or in soooooo much denial. I don't say this to say if someone else tells you something is wrong you just follow whatever they say but some times you are so deep in a situation that you can't see the broad scope of the situation.  Even when it comes to other personal choices like career or friends, we "feel" a certain way and go with it instead of thinking first.  Everyone should have that level-headed friend who thinks when you feel.  There is an old DeBarge song that I use to love called "The Heart is Not So Smart".  Some of the lyrics are:

"The heart's been broken, it's been bruised and it's been burned. So after that you think, 'Hey a lesson might be learned.' But you keep falling for those same lies every time. Sometimes, the heart can be so blind."

I love that song and have always carried that with me.  For example, I really want my bachelor's degree and I've been trying so hard for so long to get it.  My heart is growing weary because I feel like I'll never get it but I've learned to not be so dependent upon my heart and appreciated my mind for thinking  around my feelings.

Life isn't perfect and neither are we.  It's time to be honest about who we are because if we can't be completely honest about who we are, we can and will not be honest with anyone else about who we are. We spend so much time covering up who we are and our faults that we become so comfortable with the denial and the outright lies we tell ourselves and others.  The biggest problem we have is acknowledging our faults and lies and actually changing what and how we handle situations.  I have learned that some people are so comfortable that even though they know they are lying, they are more willing to continue with the self lies than change for the better.  some people will spend years lying instead of being honest and not having to worry about being "found out".

I have always said "You never have to lie your way out of honesty."

One love!