Okay okay, I concede.

As of late, I have endured stressful times and some notable mood changes. Not necessarily swings though but we all know that Valentine's Day is coming up on the 14th of Feb which is 5 whole days away. For me, however, this will be a cousin's weekend with one of my favorite cousins. Both of us are single so we decided that screw Valentine's Day. It will be a fun filled weekend with movies, food, games, outings, etc. I'm more excited for Valentine's Day this year than previous years simply because my cousin want to have fun and I don't have to worry about gifts I won't receive, cards that will never make it to me or people stressing over plans they won't be making anyway. 

I have been saying lately that I don't believe in romantic love anymore. That's not true. I do. I just don't believe in romantic love for me right now in my life. I don't believe I would benefit from it until I pull my life together for myself. I believe love can be the most beautiful thing in the world but I have lost faith in people so it's hard to believe in a beautiful thing like love if you can't believe in the vessels that suppose to embody love. Yeah, it's challenging but love is still and always will be wonderful thing. My choice to love these days belongs to me. I have tried to love others without fully understanding how much I should love and appreciate all of what and who I am. I can't love someone else fully while partially loving myself. All that I am working on for my life requires my full attention. My hopes for romance, if I do have hopes, is that when I am finally whole and in a place of complete contentment with my progress and success level, someone else's complete self will be attracted to my completeness. 

I will no longer give my wholeness to someone who isn't complete.  We all are ever growing in who we are and are to be but you can come to a place where you are happy with where you are and anything else will make life that much better. 

I am happy to love. I will be happy to romantically love again. I want people to love. It's a fulfilling component to life. Loving isn't the issue. It's the trust and vulnerability that scares people. I confess it scares me as well but I think that you have to take a chance on love. Risk. We have to be willing to risk heartbreak in an effort to have our hearts desires fulfilled. It's really a 50/50 crap shoot but for the right person, it could prove to be worth it. 

My coworker asked me if I wanted to have a baby. Such a random question. I told her I did not want to have children. If I have not had them by now, I wouldn't be having any. I understand that married people want their single friends to have the wives/husbands and kids as well but I have removed that component from my plans. Now I have no idea what God has in store but apparently He may be in agreement with the no kids plan for me. (shrug) I don't know. Anyway, love is great. I don't understand if everyone grasps the vital life changing and saving factors that love holds. It's not just something to say to convince someone to sleep with you, not be mad at you, said out of habit or to get you something. 

If you never say the words "I love you" to someone, they should be able to feel it through your actions and the ways you show them love. Money isn't love, not to say buying a gift doesn't show love but love is a radiating energy that comes from the soul and when someone loves you, it's like you can feel their love just by standing in their presence. THAT'S the kind of love I hope to have one day. A love where they look at you and you feel like you are falling into their eyes and being absorbed into their essence; feeling their need for you on a greater plane than sexual, financial, or even emotional. When you really and truly love someone, especially romantically, it's important to love that person the way THEY receive love and not how you wish to receive love. If I feel love through communication and time shared, those are the ways that I will know you love me. If your way of being loved is touch and encouragement, trust me, I'll touch and encourage you because I know those are things that touch the core of who you are. 

sigh.

I guess I do believe in love. 

Sometimes you just have to say or write the words to convince yourself that all is not lost. 

Loved ones, please experience the fullness of love. It's never to late and don't settle for the imitation of love. Hold out for the real thing. You won't be sorry.